My Life As Told By Me

Thoughts running through my head

2009-02-01T18:35:00.002-05:00

Spring semester is underway and I am getting my schedule set. I am so excited for my new music :D I had my first lesson on Thursday where I was given 2 English pieces [It Was a Lover and His Lass & The Bustle in the House] , 1 French piece [Absence](my first french piece ever), 1 Spanish [Serenta Gitara], and 1 German piece [Lied der Mignon]. I am suppose to be getting one or two Italian pieces this semester as well. I know these pieces wont be easy, but I am ready to challenge myself and improve my voice to become the best musician I can. I have already started on Lied der Mignon and I love it :) I love singing German and any Schubert piece is my favorite. Unfortunately I have run out of printer ink, so I have to go to the JC and pay to print out my music, good thing I have lots and lots of change. :)

Okay so let me just say this, I did this thing on facebook called 25 random things, and I realized something about myself while thinking about random facts. I have the hardest time......communicating when something is bothering me. I know I should talk about it but I usually try to ignore it and hope it goes away. My mind always thinks of the worst and since I hate it when people are upset or angry at me I try to avoid it at all costs. This tends to hurt me more then help me so I am trying to just talk to whoever I need to talk to instead of pushing it aside and bottling it up. This causes me to blow up at people, which I really regret when it happens because when I am really angry I get extremely mean and cruel sometimes. That is something else I am working on. My temper which doesn't come out much anyway but when it does I feel terrible afterwards so I have to learn to control it better. Setting goals for myself to make me a better person yay! :D

Let me say this I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S FEBRUARY!! Time is really flying and it kind of scares me to be honest, so much has changed and so much more will change....I just hope I don't loose myself in the process. I miss my bestest Kitty so much I wish I could see her more often and I miss Brittany too. I hope when I come home again I can relax with both of them.....its been too long, Kitty and I need an IHOP trip and I need to go bowling so I can suck bad enough to have her laugh at me :P

Okay well I am going to actually try to watch the Super Bowl. I feel sympathy for the Cardinals since they have never been to the Super Bowl, but my Grandpa John lives in Pittsburgh sooooo GOOO STEEELERS! lol :P

Writings

2009-01-28T23:28:00.003-05:00

Reflecting back past
thinking about how it would be
If things had turned out differently

Life is a collection
of chain reactions
mainly for your
own satifaction
But I how was I know
You where what I was waiting for

Someone to love
Someone to hold
Some to turn to
When I am alone
You are there
With open arms
standing strong
You were waiting all along

*will finish later

I just felt like writing this came out of no where but I need to go to bed so I will write an actual update some time soon.....I hope

When I Get Where I Am Going

2009-01-24T21:15:00.002-05:00

Have you ever wanted to shut out the world and shut your mind out as well? Has life become such an unclear place that you're not sure you want to wake up in the morning to face the world? Well that's how I feel right now.....I have never felt so unsure of myself and of my life. Where has Jessica gone? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror? This is not me. Jessica has never doubted her dreams, goals, or purpose in life before. Jessica doesn't cry every week. Jessica isn't extremely emotional or get jealous, angry, and upset all at the same time. Jessica is a loving girl who works hard to be the best person she can. Jessica is a helper and doer. Jessica smiles and laughs everyday all day. Jessica doesn't get sick every month. I just keep crying, is life to hard for me? Am I not strong enough for this world? I am a firm believer that God won't give you anything you can't handle and there is a reason for everything, but Lord what is this for? Why am I so sad? Am I becoming a jaded person? Has my world become so shattered that I can't fix it? I am so self conscious of myself and of my voice. I have always thought I'd had at least some talent or I wouldn't have made it this far, but do I really? I was never one of those people that would show off and brag about themselves or their talent. I don't fish for compliments either, because its not worth anything unless it is given genuinely. I don't know if its because I am suddenly surrounded by very very talented people that I am suddenly feeling jealous and terrible about my own place musically. It doesn't help that some people when I do sing just for fun in the car or whenever a song I know is heard tell my suddenly to stop. It makes me think I sound bad or they don't like the way I sing. I know there are certain times you shouldn't sing and so forth but honestly as stupid as it sounds that gets to me. Even if this person said they were joking it hurts......so please ask me nicely if you don't want to me sing and I won't. Some who read this will say I am too sensitive and take things too seriously well to those somethings I don't think at are funny or a joke so too bad. I have always been in someone else's shadow and I guess I will forever remain there. Why not I should be used to it by now. Should i stop singing? I can't believe I just asked that but I did. I can't imagine my life without music and without me singing everyday of my life but if that made things better maybe I should. I talked to Gary some about this and he says I am in a rough spot and I have lost my confidence and I said if that is true if I am broken in a way why is he still with me. Then he said something that has stuck with me. " I believe you can get through this, and I won't give up on you" That means so much to me and is so important to me. I can't really explain it, but the fact he said that means a lot.

Now the reason for my title is this song which the lyrics are posted at the bottom. I heard this song for the first time in a long time last night and I cried, but a happy cry. It made me think of my Aunt Michele and how no matter how many years pass one day I will see her again, and that this life is hard, but for a reason and you are never truly alone, because God is always with you even if you forget. This also says the truth for me at least when I pass on I don't want people to cry. I want them to smile. Smile about our memories together, about the life I lived no matter how long or short it is. if there are tears they should be tears of joy that I am in a better place and can watch those I love keep living a successful life. Well my tears have dried and I still have a lot to do tonight before I go to bed and work in the morning. Lord please give me guidance to see and understand why I am the way I am right now. Let me become more and better then I am. I hope I will be able to see through this mess I have become.

When I get where I'm going
On the far side off the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck

Yeah when I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm goin
Oh When I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

2009-01-16T16:53:00.004-05:00

I heard this saying
over and over
It rings in my mind repeating
over and over
Nothing to fear
Nothing to fear
but fear itself
but fear itself

Then why am I afraid?
over and over
I ask myself
over and over
Why do I cry?
over and over
These tears
over and over
Slide down my face
over and over
Fall hard on your shirt
over and over
Nothing to fear
Nothing to fear
but fear itself
but fear itself

I must repeat these words
over and over
Close my eyes
over and over
Why can't I control my emotions
over and over
This overflows to the point where I cling
over and over
To anything that will hold me up
over and over
I apologize for myself and my words
over and over
The frustration becomes hurt
over and over
But you're still here
Nothing to fear
Nothing to fear
but fear itself
but fear itself

What is my fear you ask
....Alone......to be utterly Alone.....

Austyn Ryan Szari

2009-01-15T19:07:00.004-05:00

Yep he is finally here! I am an aunt! born at 1:06am 8 pounds 4 ounces! I got to the hospital at 12:30 yesterday afternoon and spent time my sister, her mom, our dad, Nick, and Brandy's Nana. Then that night Nick's dad came and took me and Nick out to dinner we weren't gone an hour and things started to pick up, so we rushed back to the hospital. Another hour in things slowed down so Nick's dad and I played cards and when Nick's step brother Joseph go there I learn how to play Rummy and got really good at it. It got later and later, but Tim (Branyd's stepdad), Annie (Nick's sister), and Diana ( Nick's stepmom) came and we all waited along with little Anthony who stayed up until right after his little brother was born ( he guessed his brother would be born at 1:02 only 4 minutes off lol). Thanks to energy drinks we all stayed up and were able to hear the news " It's a boy!" lol even though we all knew it. Nick took me back to their house and we both crashed. We got up around 11 and went to the hospital at noon where I was able to hold my nephew for the first time :) He is so small and Brandy is so happy. I love my sister so much and I can't wait for her wedding this fall. I am going back in a few weeks as soon as I have a free weekend, because now that I am old enough to see my sister more I am going to make sure I spend as much time as I can with her, Nick, Anthony, and Austyn. I love my family the end :)

Trying something different

2009-01-13T22:38:00.002-05:00

There is a little bit of a lag, which I am going to try to fix

Trying.....

2009-01-12T18:27:00.004-05:00

okay so the new semester starts on Inauguration Day....dumb, but anyway I am going to try to do things a little differently this semester. The last time I went home I had a bit of a smack in the face reminder or voice of reason in my life who said this to me that shook me and had me burst into tears " Jessica you aren't Super woman you can't do everything and be there for everybody." As soon as I heard those words it's like something in my mind clicked and I just let it all out....which led me to crying for a few minutes, but it was a needed good cry, to just release everything I been holding back. What started it all was my best friend Kitty....she won't stop smoking or admit she is addicted. Every time I come home its " This is my last one i promise" or " Once I finish this pack no more" But when I went home this time she lied to me twice to my face about it, like I couldn't smell it on her or tell she was lying....it got me so angry the second time she did it I smacked her arm and left her at Food Lion. I was so close to blowing up at her but I didn't want to cause a scene at Food Lion so I left her. It was wrong, but I couldn't stand there and watch her kill herself by smoking cigarettes I have seen too many of my loved ones suffer terrible illnesses or worse die from things cause by cigarettes. I felt so bad for leaving her, but I just knew if I stayed my temper would get the best of me and I would have lost it and that is not a pretty picture at all....to say the least. I texted her boyfriend Ed to make sure she got home okay and then I just sent her one simple text saying " Kitty I love you you are my best friend and I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't care about you and I will always be here for you no matter what please don't ever forget that". I hoped she would get the message and we've talked since then, but not about what happened, so I have kind of let it go for now, because she is in a rough place with a lot of issues that she is having trouble dealing with. She has to figure this out on her own.....I can't do it for her as much as I wish I could, so she wouldn't have be so upset and stressed. All I can do is support her and love her. I just came to realize how much I hate home now, everything is different everyone treats me different. People who I thought I could talk to and count on have blown me off basically saying " I don't give a fuck about you" and that hurts me, because I would never do that to anyone and as stupid as it is I have just broken down over how much I hate home and don't want to be there. I am doing all I can, but its not enough....I can't give enough of myself to these people. I've been told I need to be selfish, because I am sacrificing myself too much and hurting myself too much for people who don't care or pretend to care. I don't know how to be selfish I don't think.....which is a major flaw. I need to figure it out I need to learn to say " No" I have to there is no other way.
*sigh* I am trying to figure everything out trying to solve the puzzle. Like with my bf this is the longest and first good relationship I have been in ever but I am still afraid of certain things, because I am on new and foreign ground. There are certain things I want to ask or say, but I am still afraid of rejection, and I shouldn't be because I love and trust him, so I don't understand why I am so hesitant, ugh I've said this over and over recently....whats is wrong with me? Lol wow why did I laughed at that maybe i should stop focusing so much on what I need to fix about myself and just live my life the best way I know how...maybe then I will stop trying to be "superwoman" and start being just Jessica

What do I have to do???Change?

2009-01-07T15:19:00.003-05:00

Okay so I was hit with this I guess....revelation a few minutes ago after thinking about what was discussed last night. Last night I talked to my mom and we fixed everything with both of us taking our stress out on each other. But then something my mom said stuck with me " Jessica you are such a giving person and you just don't realize how much people take advantage of that." She is right I am a giver. I try to help everyone, because I know what it feels like to have someone turn their back on you when you need them. I don't want to be that person that does that to someone else. Gary agreed with my mom and said I need to learn to say no. This also brought about how at school....I don't really know who my true friends are anymore. I thought I did, but I guess I was wrong. It's like now that I am still at Mason and not at home all the time like everyone else I don't matter. That's a little harsh, but it's how I feel honestly right now. I am trying to find a balance trying to see through the areas of Gray but I can't and it scares me. I hate being used, but I also don't want to b a jaded person. I know who my true friends are at home and I talked to one of them, Kitty, about this a little bit already and tonight I will see her and maybe she will make me feel better. Whats wrong with me? I just feel like when I am at Mason the only person I can talk to is Gary, and I feel bad about that because I know he has other friends and other things he needs to do then to just spend time with me. I tried hanging out with someone and spending time with them but it just made things so complicated. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be at home, but I don't want to be at Mason. It's like I feel all alone in a crowded room as cheesy as that sounds. There are people who I want to call and go visit, but why should I if they haven't even tried to contact me or see me? It's like I am hitting a brick wall. This sounds so mean, but why should I waste my time even they don't even seem to want to see me. I know everyone is busy having jobs and seeing there family, but ugh whatevs I don't fucking care anymore I just give up. fuck it. I am going to AHS tonight to see Britt cheer and then I am going to workout maybe I will feel better after I run my body into the ground with the much needed work out.

M.I.A.

2009-01-06T15:30:00.002-05:00

So I have been MIA because of the lack of internet service at MAson due to construction. I was also without cable too, so I had to more then once entertain myself by myself. I am at the tail end of a 4 string set of games so that helped pass the time and Gary came up and stayed with me so I wasn't totally by myself. Also the laundry wasn't working as well.....grrr. Luckily Gary and his parents were nice enough to let me do my laundry at their house which I still really appreciate I go home tomorrow for a few days and that will probably be the last time I go home until the new semester starts, sigh. Things at home have gotten so complicated and messed up. I hate not being able to go home and be there for those that need me and fix things.....there is nothing I can do but listen and wait. My mom has been acting so weird recently and I don't know why. She keeps freaking out out over the smallest things and asking me the same questions over and over. Like last night I went to the movies with Betsy after the game and my mom flipped when I told her I Was at Tyson's. She was like " Why are you shopping? How are you paying for all of this" She just accused me of wasting all of the money I have, and I got so pissed. First of all Betsy was nice enough to pay for the movie and dinner last night so none of mom's money was being used, and second of all I HAVE NO MONEY TO SHOP WITH!!!!! I AM NOT THAT STUPID! Even if Betsy wasn't going to pay I have a little bit of my own money I get from the basketball games that I use to go out with my friends. Then she asked me over and over " When are you coming home? When are you working again???" I just wanted to scream! She made me so angry and I tried to tell her in a calm voice AGAIN! Mom I will be home Wednesday night and I won't know when I am working again until I call on Wednesday, because they haven't made the schedule yet...... Then today she was saying she was stressed and I was like mom I love you what's wrong? What's bothering you? She sounded so put off when I asked " Jessica you should know" Is what she said, and I honestly HAVE NO IDEA!!!! I am so AHHHH!!! Right now because my mom is leaving me in the dark. No clues no nothing as to what is bothering her. I can normally tell right away and right now I have no clue *sigh*. I talked to my dad and I kind of snapped at him , but he quickly told me what I was doing so I apologized, because he isn't the one freaking out on me everyday. Besides this two of my friends at home are having serious problems and I have talked to both of them, and I hope I have helped, but I dunno. I just really need to see Kitty and give her a hug she desperately needs. I hope that my mom can chill out and so that I will want to come home, cause right now I want to go to c-ville but not to my house....anywhere but my house. This makes it seem like -0 has started out bad, but not really I promise. I had an amazing night at Fur with Gary on New Year's Eve and so far things besides the issue with my mom are going well. I have a nice job that is working out well, because they are so flexible, and I am making some of my own money finally!!! (not that I will see much of it, because it will be going towards school once the semester starts). Anywho I am off to eat a little something and then get ready for the Women's game tonight hope against hope they win!

Goodbye 2008

2008-12-31T15:28:00.002-05:00

It is the last day of 2008 and what a year it has been for me. I have grown in so many ways, but I still have a ways to go. I am no longer the naive child I was in high school. I am still a loving, honest, and helpful person, but my eyes have been opened to the tricks of the world, and it would sound terrible if I said I was jaded, because I don't feel I am. I feel like I have learned what to look out for and also I see how much this world needs people to help others, be kind and loving. 2009 will bring me my nephew and my sister can't wait and neither can I! I have lost a lot these past few years, but I have gained so much as well. I know I've said this already once in an older post, but THANK YOU! To so many, my family for sticking by me and always being a foundation for me to rely on no matter what. To my friends, Kitty, Brittany, Caroline, Veronica, Katie, Lauren, Loren, R.J., you guys have always been there for me and continue to do so even though we are all off at our own schools and growing in our own ways. I say this all the time but I really mean it my family and friends are the most important thing to me, and I will do anything and everything I can to help those I love. This year I finally made the decision to have music as my living. It has not been easy for me, but my love for music fuels me everyday and reminds me how important music is to my life and how much it can mean to someone else if they have some to guide them and teach them. God gave me this gift and this talent how little or unremarkable it may seem to others it is apart of me and my life and I will not waste it. Another thank you to God for looking out for me and my loved ones this year. These last few years have been rough on my family and this year I feel the my family has become closer through losses we have endured. I have reconnected with you and I don't want to turn my back on my beliefs and the foundations of my life again. Tonight I will being truly celebrating New Year's Eve for the first time by going out with Gary. I have to say this too nPLEASE BE SAFE! I don't want to have wake up to only have another picture to put on my wall along with all my memories of you, so please be safe and have fun :). Goodbye 2008 what a year its been and I wouldn't change a thing! Here I come 2009! :)

Pittsburgh so far :D

2008-12-28T22:19:00.003-05:00

I feel a lot better since my last post and I had a revaluation of sorts when talking to Caroline the other day....I sound super depressed a lot of the times when I write these blogs, but what's ironic is I am one of the happiest people I know lol. I guess this is something I use to get things off my chest, unedited and unfiltered. I just say it how it is and if someone doesn't like it then they don't have to read it.

Any who I am still in Pittsburgh and since my last post I go to see my Great Great Aunt who is 98, not 99 like I thought I got my years mixed up. You see every time I have asked Aunt Paulie when she was born she gives me different years....on purpose. She doesn't really want people to know how old she really is, which is kind of funny to me, but hey she is just a such a goof so funny and full of life. It's weird seeing her in a nursing home now though, because it has definitely changed her. Her house is like a museum with original Tiffany lamps to original Humels (German figurines) She has so many portraits and gorgeous china I loved walking through her house and she loves showing everything. She every has a grandfather clock that is so big they had to cut the ceiling to make it fit :p. She can't walk any more so she stays in her wheel chair. She has changed a lot since i last saw her, but she still has that sparkle in her eye and even when she is confused she is quick witted. Last night was not one of her better nights though her thought process came and went, but at 98 with everything she remembers and knows I would get confused right now let a lone at her age. After visiting her we went back to Grandpa's house and Gary has now met 4 out of 8 grandparents even if only electronically. My Grandma Estelle was amazed at us video chatting and my Grandpa John thought it was pretty neat and had me explain everything to him. They aren't like my Gangee and Grandaddy who couldn't turn on a computer and type their name if you asked them. They want to learn and figure out how to use the technology available to them especially my Grandpa John.

Every time I visit I learn something new about my Grandpa like just yesterday he told me he played the saxophone and still had his but hadn't played it in years. I told him if he didn't want it and it was still playable I would definitely use it. He said he wasn't sure, because it was really old, but sure enough he pulled it out and played a little on it, but one key doesn't close all the way and I am sure it needs new pads, but I will take it back to Mason with me and get it looked at before school starts :).

Today I went to Mass with my grandparents and it was nice to pray and sing hymns and hear some of the scripture I had heard since I was a child but Catholicism is not my favorite branch of Christianity for a lot of reasons. From a historical stand point and from a beliefs one. I've talked to Gary about this but I'll say it here too. I feel Catholicism is all about don't and can't. Don't do this its a sin or you can't do that or you won't go to heaven. You have 7 sacraments you have to do or else kind of thing. I feel it's all about how evil humanity is and how humans can't do anything right everything we do is a sin (if this is true then how are we God's vision? God made us why would he make us evil and complete sinners?) and I also don't agree with confession for example my Grandpa did not take communion this Sunday and I asked why he said " I missed a holy day and I missed two Sundays, so I have to go to confession first" I said " You were sick though Grandpa. God knows you weren't well you shouldn't have to confess that in order to take communion." He said " I'll feel better if I do." I just let it go, but I wanted to say you shouldn't feel guilty over something you had no control over, and why oh why do you need a priest to talk to God for you? You are fully capable human being with your own voice, so if you have sinned or feel you have tell God yourself. Don't tell a priest who is human and no matter what anyone claims will judge you in some manner for whatever it is you have or haven't done. Then something else that bothered me was my Grandma wouldn't let my mom take communion with her. Communion is communion no matter what branch of Christianity it is, so it shouldn't matter. My Grandma went on about the things you had to do to become Catholic first and I just kept my mouth shut. She is very devout and I have found it is best to just not saying anything, smile and agree to save yourself and her the trouble. I love her don't get me wrong, but I get very frustrated when I know I can't voice my opinion, because if you know me at all I will debate with you until I am blue in the face, lol that might be a flaw of mine, but hey no one is perfect.
Today was football day in this house, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to watch my beloved Redskins play I wore my Washington shirt (given to me by Gary on my birthday) and my Clinton Portis jersey (given to me by santa for christmas :D ) I watched the Steelers crush the Browns (No surprise) and the Eagles cream the Cowboys ( hahahaha! [oops sorry couldn't help myself] :P ). I am glad to be here visiting family but I am not going to lie I miss home and I miss Mason....well not really Mason but those that are there. I miss my cheerleading squad, I miss Kitty, and Brittany. I miss my sisters, and my dog Fern and my cat Kisa. I miss Caroline and I miss Gary. I'll be back at Mason before I know it spending nights in my dorm alone wanting to be back here or at home, so what can I say? I should just be happy I am here while I am here lol.
Tomorrow I will get to see my cousins for the first time since I met them two years ago. I am excited to see Olivia, Chris and Paulia-Jean again :) I will talk about that next time I guess, off I go to read some I suppose or find something to do cause everyone is asleep except me lol.

Pouring my heart out....to a degree

2008-12-26T20:42:00.003-05:00

I am in Pittsburgh! YAY!!!! <3 Christmas went well this year, but like everything thing were bumps in the road. I didn't get to see my sister or aunts and cousins partly because of my uncle being in the hospital, but he did get to go home today :)! Going to Ivor I felt distant and foreign like I wasn't really there. It is no longer the town of my childhood. I went to see Aunt Leah and she didn't remember me and when my mom told her my name she claimed she hadn't seen me since I was 3, but I saw her in October. Seeing her like that struggling to eat and not remembering half the people we talked about made me want to cry to be honest. The Aunt Leah who took me to Dairy Queen and took me on pointless road trips just because is gone. I miss it more than I am willing to say. I miss the summers I spent in Ivor where I would walk across the street to her house and hear Uncle Lenord's war stories or hear him play guitar. She remembers he is gone but not that its been a year and 4 months since his fatal car crash. I miss having sleepovers at Aunt Bernice's where we would play Light Bright, and do puzzle's while eating fresh strawberries. I miss picking Uncle Finnen up in Suffolk and having lunch at Hardee's after his dialysis treatment. I miss going fishing with Gangee and Grandaddy. I miss the big family Christmas dinner. My mom's side of the family is dying year by year month by month the family gets more and more disconnected and smaller. I can't do anything but stand by and bear it. It gets harder every time. Each funeral I weep a little longer, cry a little harder. I miss having my Gangee's house full of people everyone being loud and happy. This Christmas the house seemed a shell, With the tree with only lights no decorations, the house almost empty with just my mom, dad, and me. The tears just fall down my face as I write this. I never would've dreamed I would miss this so much and it would mean so much to me. I long to drive to Aunt Bernice's house and drive down her long drive way again while she danced next to me. I long to have Aunt Leah pull a Kid's meal toy out of her pocket just to see me smile. I want to go to a baseball game and play on the swing set with my sister and didn't mean to write so much about it, but I guess I have kept this locked away and it didn't really hit me how empty one of my childhood towns is until I was there last night. I looked at Aunt Leah's house all dark and empty, it seemed a ghost of what was.I just can't believe they're gone....and they are just the beginning I don't know how I will survive when they are all gone and Ivor is nothing but a memory for me. I guess I will just let the tears fall and put my happy face back on for my family as if nothing is wrong.....Aunt Bernice.....Uncle Finnen,....Uncle Lenord I miss you and love you more than I could ever say please keep watching over my family and I will see you again someday. I treasure my memories of all of you and I hope I can look back and smile over the time we had together instead of cry over the loss of each of you. I'm sorry for such a depressing blog......

I really intended on talking some more about beliefs.....yes I had a religious discussion with my Grandma Estelle tonight that led me to telling my parents that I had been to a few parties (my dad acted surprised, but I quickly gave him "the look" because I know he knew). She went on to say " Make sure to wait till you're married" and I thought.....What? Where did this come into the conversation? It became apparent to me that Grandma Estelle has a staunch believe in waiting till marriage to have sex or live on your own, because she claims "women who live on their own when they are young only want to have sex" and I said " no that's not true", but dropped the subject because I knew it would be pointless to debate with her about it. Then she went on to say " Kids today think we (as in her generation) didn't have the same problems or desires but we did it's just we had a more strict up bringing" I just shook my head and kept my mouth shut, because I didn't want to upset her or get myself into trouble. I will say this If you chose to wait that is your choice. I won't make fun or make someone feel bad for making that choice, but I personally feel different about that. I will be with someone I love, and trust. It is no one's business but mine and the person I am with. That is my belief agree with it or not I don't care. I don't push my beliefs on anyone, so I expect to others to do the same. I feel people put too much on it, especially for women it is a hypercritical thing, because it is perfectly okay for guys to sleep around with anyone they want, but girl's get labeled for it. It's wrong, and it needs to change one way or another. Like I've said before I believe in God and Jesus Christ, and if God damns me to hell for that one thing then he is not the loving God that I believe in, in the first place. Every human sins, but it is those who ask for forgiveness and spread God's message that know God's love, and you know what I feel I do both in my own way. I pray to God to protect those I love and to give me guidance when I can't see my path. I pray to God's to forgive those who have wronged and need a second chance. I tell others to love, not hate through my own words and actions. That is what matters to me, and again you can agree with me or not it is up to you. I will respect everyone's beliefs as long as they respect mine and that is all I ask. God know my heart and mind he knows that I long to forgive Roy for the pain and destruction he has caused my family. I long for my cousin Tealor to grow up to be a smarter women then her mother. I long to have my father remember his childhood. I long for my Grandma to forgive past mistakes. I long for so many things to make my family happy and better. I don't long to be rich and powerful. I don't long to have millions of dollars. I wish for a happy and healthy life. That is all I have ever wanted in this one life I get, hoe ever long it is. I have seen too many be taken swiftly and suddenly to want and desire so much from the material world. If those deaths have taught me anything it has taught me to see how quick life goes and how things can change in an instant, so keep those you love chose and keep God's word close to your heart, whatever you believe it is. Again sorry for the repeat and the long depressing blog, but I feel much better now, so I think I am going to go watch some football with my Grandpa John and my daddy :)

Tis the season

2008-12-24T19:23:00.002-05:00

It is Christmas Eve and I am at home...thank the lord :) waiting on my mom and sister to get home from work so my family can begin our Christmas Eve traditions of first watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas (we watch both version usually alternating each year) the Jim Carey version this year, and then every year right before we all go to bed we each open one present. Ashley and I usually get movies, my dad always gets something Grinch (we own more Grinch collectors stuff then anyone else I know) , and my mom gets a cd or movie. It's just something fun we have always done. One of my favorite family traditions it the present under the couch, lol. It sounds really random and it is :). One year my mom forgot a present for me and my sister when we were really young, so she quickly had dad distract us while she ran and got them and then hid them under our family couch. Every year since there is always one small present under the couch that is unwrapped that my sister and I get last. Each it varies one year it was a cd, another year it was a t-shirt, and last year it was tickets to see Micheal Buble in concert :). Last year I was really really sick Christmas eve and Christmas day. I had strep and my fever didn't break until late Christmas morning so I was miserable all day which really sucked because I wanted to really enjoy Christmas but I couldn't because I felt so bad. I am so happy this year I am not sick and can really enjoy my time with my family. Speaking of, tomorrow is all about family for me. My family unlike most of my friends and people I know do not stay home all day for Christmas. Our Christmas day goes as follows....wake up, open presents and goof around with the pets, mom, dad, and sister. Then get dressed and pack up the family presents and on the road we go. Normally we go straight to Newport News where my great Aunt Joanne lives. There is were I see my dad's side of the family my Grandma,Grandpa, Uncle Mark, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Jeanette, and Cousins Tealor and Britney. This year how ever we are going to Mechanicsville first to see my sister and her now fiance! That's right Nick proposed to my sister!!!! I am super excited!!! Nick will be my brother-in-law and Annie will be my sister-in-law and I will officially be Anthony's Aunt! :) Austyn will be born soon and I am so excited for my sister it's just amazing :). Also something else that is different this year is that my uncle Mark, Aunt Kathy, and cousin Britney will not be coming to Aunt Joanne's, because my uncle is in the hospital :( . He has a severe blood clot in his leg that will not dissolve. They have worked on it and worked on it, but this one will not go away like the other one. I don't really know what is going to happen next, so I just pray that he is not in any pain and it will be fixed quickly. He hasn't had the best care at this hospital either from what I have been told, and that angers me, especially since my mom and dad know what is suppose to happen for him and it isn't happening...it's extremely frustrating. Anyway after the hospital visit we will got o Newport News and have Christmas lunch with my dad's family. Then we will drive to Ivor and have Christmas dinner with my Gangee, Grandaddy, my 2nd cousins Lynn, Glenn, Lynn(the other Lynn's wife), Sheryl (Glenn's wife), Frankie, Gerald, Roland (and the list just keeps going with 2nd cousins), my3rd cousins Austin , Nathan, Jordan, ect, Ant Alice, and lord all the other relatives on my mom's side and whoever else shows up. There used to be more, but sadly the past fews years have not been to great for my mom's family and quite a few relatives have passed on like Uncle Finnin, Aunt Bernice, Uncle Lenord, Nellie, Dimsey, and Novey. I love them and miss them a lot especially Aunt Bernice, this was her favorite time of year and she would always make her fruit cake and bring it Gangee's house along with some strawberries if she had any left in her freezer just for me. I love you Aunt Bernice and hope you can see your sons and granddaughters and how they are just growing up so fast :). I hope that my Aunt Leah is there this year....things have been.....rough for her since Uncle Lenord died. Her Alzheimer's is getting worse and worse even though its still in its early stages. She constantly thinks I am in middle school still, but still remembers my name and who I am and that whats important. I know one day her mind will be completely gone and she won't remember me at all anymore, but I will hold on to what I have while I can. She lives in a nursing home now, because no one can treat her on their own. It sounds terrible, but my Aunt Becky works at the nursing home and looks out for her and checks up on her everyday. Anyway we have Christmas dinner with my mom's giant family and a few more gifts are exchanged, but eventually we have to leave and head back to Charlottesville. Normally that would our entire Christmas travels, but not this year, because on the 26th mom, dad, and I are going to Pittsburgh to see my Grandpa John, Grandma Estelle, Great Aunt Annie, Great Great Aunt Paulie, and hopefully my cousins Olivia, and Chris and their mom Paulia-Jean :). It will be really cold, but so worth it. The last time I went over Christmas break it was just dad and I when I was a junior in high school. It takes about six hours to get there so I will be catching up on my reading that I have been neglecting due this thing called college....lol.
Now that I have talked about what I do on Christmas I just have a few things....I feel I need to say. This has been....a roller coaster year for me with many ups and downs. 2008 did not start off well at all, but as the year progressed I came to realize many things about me, my life, and my beliefs. I grew up to put it bluntly. I graduated high school, began to really become an adult, and have really begun the transition to adult life. I gained new friends and lost friends both physically and mentally. I re-establish my relationship with God. I am coming back to MY faith I had as child, and do not want to cast it aside again. I believe in the Lord and Jesus Christ. I believe in God's message of Love, Honesty, and Trust. Those are three things are so vitally important to me and my life. I value my friends and family more than ever before and strive to do all I can for those I love and care about. I strive to become a better person. I strive to not put myself down so much, to be okay with imperfection, to give myself seconds chances and know it is okay to not get something the first time. I strive for kindness, love and forgiveness for myself for whatever wrongs I have done. I am so content with my life and ready for 2009. I have a huge family that loves me and supports me no matter what, I have friends that protect me, and help me whenever I can't stand on my own. I have a loving boy-friend that supports me and pushes me to be and do all I can. What more can I ask for? I don't need anything else. All the material gifts will break, or get thrown away at some point, because thats all they are material. What I have can't disappear, and can't be measured. It is what really matters in life and what Christmas is really all about. Those you love and holding them close. It gives you the chance to say " I love you" if you haven't said it enough. The chance to show kindness to those you might have been cruel too. The to spread love and kindness instead of hate and greed. With that I will say Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.

It's been awhile...

2008-12-19T23:23:00.002-05:00

since I've been home lol sorry I love that song. Though it has been awhile since I last posted, mainly because I have been busy. The road trip home was much needed and I am so glad Gary came with me. My sister Brandy is so ready to have her baby and I think my nephew is going to be born early but we will see. My Grandaddy's surgery went well, but things aren't getting better yet, hopefully in the next few days it will. I went back to my high school and it was weird being there again. I miss it a lot some days. I loved high school so much which is weird considering how many people hate high school. The stay home went by so fast and before I knew it Gary and I were back on the road back to Nova.....at least my dad played guitar and we all (Gary, me and my dad) had a jam session....well mostly them I just sang every once and awhile. I think Gary wants to steal my pets lol he was playing with Fern and petting my cats like every five minutes, but hey he doesn't have any pets so I understand. I had practice tuesday and wednesday, but thursday was free so I went to Gary's house and hung out with his family which was nice. Its weird how close yet so far away he lives. It was nice to have some time to just relax and not have to worry about anything. That didn't last long because today I had to go christmas shopping and then I found out two of my uncles are in the hospital and my Grandpa John is sick as well. I hope he gets better so we can still visit him after christmas. I would write more but I have a long day tomorrow so off I go to get ready for bed and get a good night sleep.

A little thank you

2008-12-11T20:30:00.004-05:00

I got out of practice early today which was nice, so now I am waiting for Ike's to open so I can get dinner. After dinner I am finishing my last history paper! Then I am done for the whole semester whoo hoo!

On that note let me just say thank you to a few people. Thank you Caroline for everything you've done for me this semester. Who would've thought sitting next to you a few times in choir would get me a new best friend and twinner for life :). We've become so close in such a short amount of time and I wouldn't have it any other way.We always manage to have a good time and laugh about ourselves more then anything else and it so much fun :P. I can't wait to have more girl nights and spend some time with you in Harrisonburg :). Thank you to my parents for listening to me cry to them at all hours of the night, and always being voices of reason when I can't think straight. Thank you to my best friend Kitty for being strong for me when I couldn't be and for being there for me even though we couldn't physical be there for one another. Last but definitely not least is Gary. Thank you so much! You said this the other day smiling and joking"Jessica what would you've done with out me?" You know what its true I would've been so screwed. You saved my butt more times then I can count and I am forever grateful for it. I've had a few roughs days here and there this semester and you were always there. You always calmed me down, you let me cry to you, and yell to you when I felt no one else would listen. You are someone I know I can trust and depend on when I can't stand on my own anymore. I just hope you know how thankful I am that I met you and that we are as close as we are. Caroline, and you have both been there for me and I can't say I thank you enough. I love you both so much and I hope you know that. Here is too a wonderful holiday break and an amazing Christmas. I am so thankful and blessed to have the people I have in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you God for your blessings and may they continue.

Love always and forever

Jessica Michelle Berg

Pressure and Stress

2008-12-09T23:02:00.003-05:00

Two things I do to my self constantly.....why? It does nothing but hurt me, so why do I do it? Normally people feel stress and pressure from outside forces like your family, friends, school, work. For me I do it to myself. Example......tonight I went to practice for my juries which are tomorrow I sat down at the piano and called my dad just to chat for second. I just let it all out to him. Saying "Dad I am terrified of failing my Math final, I might have to retake sight singing I. I feel so behind, I want to graduate in 4 years but its not gonna happen. I don't want to let the family down. I want you to be proud of me, not disappointed. I don't want to fail." My dad through all of that said "Jessica calm down everything will be okay. I want you to enjoy college. You are getting to do something I never got to do, so enjoy yourself. We won't be disappointed in you. Its okay if it takes you longer. Sometimes you don't thing the first try, its okay to repeat something." I just got so worked up I almost cried so I just said "Thanks dad I love you" and hung up the phone because I didn't want my dad to hear me cry, cause I didn't want him to worry about me. I tried to calm down and I couldn't do it. I started stressing really bad. I called Gary and just said "Please help me calm down I feel so stressed right now I am so scared of failing." Of course he was like my dad a voice of reason saying "Jessica you'll be okay you are ready for your finals you'll be okay." After I cried I felt better, my body used a natural stress reliever which really helped except it messed up my make-up. I just have to figure out how to not put so much pressure on myself, I guess I have been this way my whole life, but I don't know where it came from, and I feel like it is really hurting me right now. I just wish it would go away. Well I am off to write a history paper and then bed so I can get a good night sleep before my juries tomorrow afternoon.

Running on empty

2008-12-07T22:12:00.003-05:00

My Holiday concert was tonight and even though my parents weren't there I sang my heart out for them. My parents are working so hard for me and our family that even though I was sad that they couldn't come I understood completely and just told them I loved them and that is was okay. I love singing Christmas music, because it just makes me so happy and lifts my mood every time.

I am not going to lie I feel constantly tired recently and I can't stand it. I feel like I am running on empty and I am barely getting by. During the day I feel fine, but at night I crash every time without fail. I am going to try to go to bed before midnight, but my roommate has a friend over and they are watching a movie, but I am so tired that I am sure as soon as my head hits the pillow I am out. Tomorrow I am getting up and studying for sighting singing, juries, math, and history till my Lab Band concert at 7 at Harris Theater......if you're not doing anything tomorrow night (which is highly unlikely) come listen to the lab band. Tonight at the concert my friend Talisha gave me a drawing of myself for x-mas. It looks just like me it is sooo cute! I love it <3.

I know I've said this like three times already but next Sunday will not get here fast enough!!! I can't wait to see my sisters, mom, dad, Gangee, Grandaddy, Brittany, Kitty, Mrs. Morris, and everyone else in C-ville. Gary is coming with me too so it should be an awesome road trip going from Fairfax to Mechanicsville, to Charlottesville in one day whoo hoo! Well I am going to get ready for bed I can't keep my eyes open anymore.....I hope I feel better tomorrow

Exhaustion

2008-12-06T18:04:00.002-05:00

Earlier today I just vented and everything is all good now :) but I will say I am so tired. Physically and mentally I am getting close to my breaking point and I know it. I have to make it through finals I have too. I'll do whatever I need to do to get the best grade possible. I am currently cleaning my dorm room and then I am going to bed early tonight so that I can just let my body and mind rest. I feel so crappy and I can't afford to get sick. It would be just my luck to get sick for juries and finals......ugh not gonna happen. I can't wait to go home next sunday. I miss my sisters so much. My Grandaddy is getting his gallbladder removed on Monday so my grandparents will be at my house too :). I hope his surgery goes well and he recovers quickly. He is not in the best health so anything to make him healthy again is good. Well I need to finish cleaning, so before I go. MAKE SURE TO STAY HEALTHY AND SAFE OVER YOUR HOLIDAY BREAK :)

Honesty

2008-12-06T13:10:00.002-05:00

That is one of the most important things to me, and if you don't know that about me then you don't know me well enough. Let me just say this......I hate liars, cheaters, fakes, and manipulators. If you are one of those things get out of my life period. I can't stand you and I don't know why you would treat people that way, and like I've said before I am not a door mat anymore YOU CAN'T WALK ALL OVER ME. I am who I am like it or not. Be honest with me and tell me the truth. It might hurt my feelings but I will get over it. I would rather people be honest and tell me how they really feel then live a lie to the point where they can't get out of it. I am honest with people you ask me what I think I will tell you in the nicest way possible, because I don't like hurting others. I want people in my life who are honest, trustworthy, and people I know I can depend on. Those are the things I try to be for others and I feel that it is not too much to ask for the same in return. Is it really that hard? Really, I think its harder to lie or keep a secret. I've done it and it kills me. I hate it and I have beaten myself up over it many times, because I feel like a worthless person. That is why I don't do it anymore. I know I put myself out there and risk a lot being honest and open with people, but I'd rather live that way in a shell pretending and hiding. I play the game of life in a risking way, in that I risk myself a lot, and I know this. Others tell me not to but I known the consequences if I get burned. You know what yeah I can get hurt, and if I do I will cry, but I am a stronger person who can pick up her life if I have too. The world will not come to an end. The world does not revolve around me or my chances/issues/problems. I have to deal with them and fix them. When I die the world will keep spinning, so I just have to live my life the best way I know how, and this is what I was brought up to believe and this is how I live my life. Most people are concerned with me becoming jaded, and I will say this I will do my best to prevent that because I hate being that way. Anyway I ranted a little bit and now I feel a little better off to study for exams.

Let me make my own decisions....please

2008-12-01T22:40:00.003-05:00

Okay so the title kind of says it all. Recently a lot of people have been coming to me all worried about me and the choices I have made. I know the risks and I know the chances I am taking. I have thought about these choices for a while and my heart tells me I am making the right ones. I am listening to my heart fully for probably the first time ever and it is such a wonderful feeling. I will be okay guys, I promise. I can't be afraid anymore, and I can't just stand by and think of possibilities, the what if and could haves. I might get burned, but it is better to be burned then to never feel at all or risk anything at all. I know it cause these people care about me and want what they think is best for me. It's okay guys I am a growing women and have to do things on my own. I have risk something to get something worth while, and if you don't agree with my risks I am sorry, but you're not me. I have to stand by my beliefs, and goals, so if you don't agree with them I am sorry they aren't changing. I am who I am take me or leave me. I love my friends I know they are doing this cause they care and that means a lot to me, so please don't take this as me saying shut up, but I am just defending my choices and standing strong by them.

In other news I went to court today and was rescheduled for March 23...great. I have to wait to get this simple accident resolved, ugh what a pain. The only good thing was I got to see my dad and we had breakfast together today which was very nice to just sit and relax together. I also showed him so of the PAB and introduced him to some of my other friends at school while saying hi to others he already knew. He will be graduating for ODU this December with his Bachelors in Business/Management and I couldn't be more proud of him. He started going back to school when I was in 5th grade and he got his Associates when I was in 8th grade, so now as I am beginning college he is finishing. It has been a long broken road for him, but he did it. At 50 he will have a college degree and the ability to achieve more of his goals and dreams. He just never quite and never gave up, even with all the obstacles in the way. I can't wait to see him diploma. He and my mom both graduates in the same year, both with their own college diplomas. It just proves it doesn't matter how old you are if you want that education you can get. You just have be willing to work for it, and really earn it.

Ahh well I have gone off on another tangent accidentally, but hey it happens. I can't wait til I go home again, because I will get to see my sister Brandy and that will be the last time I see her probably until she gives birth to my nephew. Also I plan to visit my high school and say hello to some missed teachers and friends. I love that place, and I always will :). I have to get through finals first so off I go to study!

2008-11-30T16:22:00.004-05:00

I am sitting here folding clothes and listening to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and if you have never heard any of their music, you should go online and look them up now. I am dead serious their music is amazing. They are known for their Christmas music but they have made other music as well. I saw them in Richmond last year with my family it was amazing to hear this wonderful music live. They write and compose everything (not that they haven't done traditional christmas music) and it is one huge orchestra with every kind of instrument and about ten amazing vocalists male and female :). As I listen to one of their many albums I own it gets me in the holiday mood and so ready to celebrate christmas this year. I will be going to Pittsburgh to see my grandpa John, grandma Estelle, great aunt Annie, great great aunt Paulie, and many more relatives I haven't seen in over a year or more. I miss them all so much. I know I've said this before, but I have only known them for almost exactly 5 years, because it was in December that I made the fatal life changing call. I have a lot of time to make up for, so I treasure all the time I have with them. I love them all so much <3. Speaking of the holidays it is important to remember the real reason we celebrate christmas, a lot of people forget. It's not about the present or the money. It's about being with those you love and that love you. Whether or not you're christian it doesn't matter it is a time for people to come to together and remember what is most important in life. Which believe me I keep in mind everyday. I have made some life changing choices and decisions and I don't regret any of them. I said this last night when I was at Chiptole with Christine and Gary. Life is all about taking risks and chances. You have to be willing to put yourself out there, and not be afraid. Otherwise you aren't living you are just existing. This is why I love the saying "life is short so kiss slow drive fast and don't regret anything" Well I am going to keep singing Trans-Siberian Orchestra music while I clean and then I will be practicing piano, alto sax, sight singing, and my jury pieces. Then its history and math homework. Remember tomorrow is never guaranteed, so speak the truth, love unconditionally, and take chances <3

Mixed up

2008-11-28T21:51:00.002-05:00

where do I start? What do I say? I have so much on my mind, but at the same time I don't what to say. I feel like I have clarity in my life, and I am taking a chance to keep it. Life is such a funny thing and it just keeps throwing things at you until you can't take anymore. Thats when your family, and friends mean the most to you. Those are the times you have to stop and just take a minute for yourself. I am personally just trying to follow my heart like I have always done, but as I get older I find it harder and harder to do. Others give me their opinions and advice, but I am stubborn and once I make up my mind it is hard to tell me otherwise. Oh and Just so world knows.....I have faith in people and I KNOW people make mistakes and mess up! IT'S WHAT MAKES US HUMAN!!!!!! But its those who are willing to swallow their pride and ask for forgiveness that make the difference. People deserve a second chance, because not everyone gets it right the first go round. I get so tired of telling people this, because I know so many people who are quick to make judgements about others without really knowing them. I have been told all my life that I am naive, and that "real world doesn't work that way" well let me say this. I DON'T CARE!!!!! I live my life the way I want, and believe what I want. I hate being told that I can't do something or something isn't possible. Anything is possible you just have to be willing to work at it, and stick with it. I just ugh, I know I sound repetitive but this just bugs me to know end. Don't tell me that something isn't going to work or that I can't do something without giving it a chance. I have spent a good part of my life proving people wrong. I may have started out in life weak and vulnerable, but I am becoming a strong woman. I am not there yet, but I know I will get there one day. I just wish people would stop.......being so judgmental of others, don't be so quick to point the finger at someone else, because more then likely you have just as many problems or issues as the person you are judging. Just...think. It seems so easy to do, just like breathing, but I find most people don't think. They react. If people took more time to think about the things they did or said I feel the world would be a little less complicated and hurtful.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T18:26:00.003-05:00

Today has been one of the best days I've had in a long time, and I am so grateful for it. I woke to the sound of my phone going off, because people were saying Happy Thanksgiving, and that was nice to wake up to. Then my grandaddy made me breakfast, which anything cooked by him is amazing :). I spent the day in my pjs with my family watching the parade, dog show, and football. I practice a little for my finals, but I will spend more time tomorrow doing that, since I will have all day. This thanksgiving my dad told me to say grace, so I just thanked the Lord for all the people in my life and thanks for keeping us safe and hoping to continue to do so in this coming year. As I was saying grace I thought about Kristen's sister Lindsay. I have known Kristen since middle school, we were never really close friends, but we would say hi and chat with each other whenever we saw one another. Anyway this past Tuesday Lindsay and her friend Brittney where in a car accident, neither had their seat belts on, so they were thrown from the car. Brittney died at the hospital and Lindsay is paralyzed from the waist down, and still in critical condition. I was also told they were intoxicated when they got into the accident. When I found out my heart went out to Kristen and her family, because they are suffering, because of Brittney and Lindsay stupid choice. I just hope God takes Lindsay under his wing, and she recovers from this terrible accident. I've had more people then I can count die or be permanently damaged from car accidents, not just from drunk driving, though that is a lot as well. It makes me so angry when people make those kinds of choices. They don't realize how it affects everyone they know. This is a big reason why I always ask my friends and family to call me when they get where they are going. Accidents happen everyday, and more then likely it is not your fault it is the other driver, but life isn't fair and doesn't care who's fault it is. I just ask that people think before they make choices, everything has repercussions whether or not they are bad is decided on your choice. That was something I did not expect when I came home, because I feel as though I can't go a few months before someone I know is seriously hurt or dies. Before this it was Sydney, and before Sydney it was my great uncle Leonard and they all died in car accidents. This probably why I freak every time I get an accident or get close to one. Cars scare me, but I need one to go to school and go home so I deal, and thats all I can do.

Besides this I just have to say as the holiday season begins, people need to be extra careful and take the time to let everyone they love and care about know it. You never know when your last day will be, so be honest with one another, show how you feel, and care. It only takes 5 seconds to hug someone or say I love you. It means more then people realize I think, so just take the time to do it. You won't regret it, I promise. I think I have become really philosophical all of a sudden so I am going to stop by wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! :)

HOME

2008-11-26T22:38:00.002-05:00

Today has been a great day! It started off awesome and just kept getting better. What more can a girl ask for then to have her family at home when she gets there, real friends that support and care about her, and people that love her for who she is. I am so grateful for everyone in my life. I've said this before but my family and friends mean the world to me and I thank God everyday for them. That's what Thanksgiving is all about. Being Thankful for the wonderful people in your life, and boy am I and I hope they know it. I am so ready for finals to be over so I can enjoy my winter break at Mason lol. Well I will end this blog with a little prayer.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for the life I have been given, and all those in it. I pray you keep everyone safe and happy as this year comes to an end. I feel as though things are beginning to clear and I can see the path that has been laid before me. I pray that I keep your guidance and message close to my heart even when I feel like falling again. I pray for love and happiness in this crazy mixed up world.

Break....so close yet so far!

2008-11-25T00:54:00.002-05:00

I am so mentally and physically exhausted I can't wait till Thanksgiving at home where I can sleep in and relax for a few days. I need it so bad. I am studying hard for my finals, and I can't wait till I am done! Stressing over that plus worrying about some of those closet to me has me just running on full steam, and thank the lord I get to go home to unwind. I wish I could just fix everyone's problems and make everyone happy. I hate it when those I love are hurt or upset. I do everything I can to make them smile and laugh even if only for a minute or two. I know the world is not perfect and that people get hurt, but pain is temporary and the brain can't really remember exactly what it feels like, just that something hurt. I feel it is best to ease everyone's pain even if only a little to make their life better and easier. Again I know I sound naive, but this is my belief. Okay well I am currently video chatting, Iming, and trying to study all at once so off to another day!

Monday is around the corner

2008-11-23T20:11:00.002-05:00

So the Women's team lost to Virginia Tech today unfortunately, but my mom and dad surprised me by coming to the game! I didn't see them until half time! It was a wonderful surprise and I am so glad they came. I didn't think they would come until after my dad graduated from ODU, because he has been so busy trying to pass his last class as well as balance his full FULL time job in the Health Department and our crazy family. It means a lot to me that my mom and dad took time to drive all the way up here and see me :).
As happy as I was to see them I was constantly thinking of my bestest and how much I wish I was at home for her. She needs me and I can't physically be there for her right now and it kills me. I worry about her all the time, and I know she is strong and will make it through this, but she needs support and reassurance that she will be okay. When I come home this week I am going striaght her house and just going to be there for her to cry, laugh, yell, and have a good time, so she can refocus on the important things in her life. Also I am afriad I keep upsetting people and I don't mean too. I hope they aren't angry at me anymore, because I feel like I am not really doing anything to make them angry, and if I am they should tell me!
The Redskins beat the Seahawks today :) My mom, dad, Gary and I watched a good part of the game when we had dinner at Brion's Grill. Then I watched the rest of the game at my dorm after my parents went home. I am now relaxing a little before a movie and some music listening. I am just so physically and mentally exhuasted. I am worrying about those I care about most trying so hard to take care of them. Well I have a lot of other thoughts on my mind, but I will say goodbye for now

It's....Saturday

2008-11-22T19:08:00.002-05:00

I am at home for once, but not for long....and thats how it always is these days. I come home to work as well as balance seeing my family and friends, which has led to more then one fight, unfortunately. It's between my mom and I, and my dad gets stuck in the middle every time. I feel bad but I get frustrated with my mother every time I come home giving me a curfew and not trusting me to do what I need to do. I am doing it at school, so why can't I do it at home? I don't know I think my mom is afraid of losing her little girl. Of letting me grow up. I thought I'd have to fight my dad more then my mom, but my dad usually comes around after talking to me. My mom I feel is a constant battle when I come home, and I hate it. I wish she would just talk to me about it instead of getting mad.....oh well.

Any who my best friend Kitty and I had a girl's night last night, and she cut my hair :) It was the first time I ever let her do it, and I really like it. It's a nice change, though I might have her come back and give me shorter bangs....we will see. She and I got chinese food for dinner and then stopped by to see Ed at Food Lion. Ed said he would swing by after work, so we went back to her house and watched Enchanted :) love that movie! She and I had some quality time, even though it wasn't for very long, but we are definitely having a total girl's night over Thanksgiving break. I also vented a lot to Kitty last night too, about everything going on in my life. It felt good to have her make me laugh and joke with me. Even if it was poking fun AT ME lol. I told her about my last post and how I felt as though I was letting God down. She just shook her head at me and smiled saying " Jessica you couldn't let anyone down even if you tried." I laughed at her and she said "Seriously you would try and be like oh no I can't do it." I love her so much and she is so important to me. I don't know what I would do with out her. She is having a rough time herself so we are just trying to be there for each other as much as possible even though we don't see each other everyday anymore. We don't agree on everything and we argue especially about things I do, or don't do lol, but she does it cause she cares and is looking out for me. For example she doesn't think I should talk to my ex anymore, but we are friends now and even though our relationship is weird it works. She says he wants to date me again and that maybe the case, but I would never date him again. Not after what he did to me. Not after the things he did and said. Anyway for us lately the topic has been the men in our lives which is kind of funny in way.

Today I worked the Clemson v UVA game where it was definitely freezing! I should've worn a long sleeve shirt under my work shirt, but I thought it would be warmer by the oven then it was. Luckily John came by he was wearing so many layers! He gave me his UVA fleece to keep me warm. I got teased a little for taking it, but he was insistent and I was cold and can't afford to get sick. I'll give it back to him next wednesday when I am home for a few days. My dad and I were suppose to have a jam session together, but he back outed which kind of got me mad, because he said we would the next time I came home, but he said " You'll be home next week Jess, we will do it then" and I am holding him to that! Now I am waiting for my laundry to get done so I can go back to Mason.......what a fun night drive! These are the days I wish Mason was closer to home. Well I think this has been a pretty long blog so I will talk about the Women's game tomorrow and the Skins game.....if I have time. Off to spend some quality time with my uncle Mark, cousin Brittany, mom and dad before I leave!

My thoughts......

2008-11-20T23:09:00.004-05:00

So I was going to talk about the last two days events but I just finished my history paper, and have been listening to Casting Crowns a Christian group. It has led me to have some mixed feelings about my faith and where I stand in God's eyes. I was raised Methodist, but stopped going to church when my family and I moved to Charlottesville. A lot of the time I feel like I have missed out on some important life experiences, because I stopped going to church. I have always believed in God and Jesus, but I have seen so much hate and evil done in the name of religion I have pulled away from it. I have seen love and miracles, and that drives my belief in God and heaven. I have never read the entire Bible either, but I know the ten commandments and the main message of the lord and that is love. I have this huge feeling of falling to my knees and just praying to God and asking him to forgive me for everything I have ever done wrong. I feel like I have been a disappointment in God's eyes. It's kind of silly of me think that, since I can't know what God thinks, but its how I feel right now. It's times like these I think about all of those who I have known who have passed on and I wonder are they looking out for me? Would I make them proud? Is my Aunt Michele proud of her niece, is she up there waiting for me, Grandpa John, Uncle Mark, and dad? Are my great grandparents smiling down on me? Uncle Leonard, and Aunt Bernice?I want to believe to believe so bad that they are. I am sitting here crying as I write this....why? God loves everyone and created us all for a reason. We are all different, because he made us this way. Hate in the name of God is wrong and yet millions of people do it everyday. I feel so powerless and weak, I hope that I can pray to God and have him hear my small plea for clarity. This is so stupid I don't even know why I feel this way. Practice what you preach and I preach love. I hope Sydney, Nolan, Jayne, and all my family members I have lost are there in peace and happiness and maybe one day I'll be there too.

This song was played at Sydney's service and I think it is appropriate for tonight. Along with my other favorite Christian song by Mercy Me

Who Am I - Casting Crowns

Who am I?

That the Lord of all the earth,

Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

I can Only Imagine - Mercy Me

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine

High Speed Tuesday

2008-11-18T22:15:00.002-05:00

So Today went by real fast! I went to bed at like midnight (which is early for me btw) and got about nine hours of sleep for the first time since school started most likely. I went to math and got my test.....failed it! Even though I studied and took the practice exam.....grrr, but my professor told the class if we passed that final we would pass the class. I would like to get a B, but I will probably end up with a C. After choir I got the picture from Ibiza of Gary and I which turned out to be pretty amazing. Then I went with Caroline to her physical therapy and we had some girl time while she worked out her wrists. Then we came back to school, cause I had practice and I told her I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and she was like " We are getting you food now!" I told her I would be fine and that I wasn't really hungry, but she was adamant that I got something, so I ran into the connivence store and grabbed a Lunchable thing and water. She saw it and said "Jessica that isn't going to sustain you". I told her I always eat at Ike's after and that I would be fine. Though she doesn't think I am taking good care of myself, but I am doing the bets I can I swear. I eat when I have time, to be honest. Some days I get three meals, others I only get one. I love Caroline, and I know she is just worried I am not taking good care of myself but I promise I am. It's funny because normally I am the one worrying about everyone and taking care of everybody. I told Caroline this I just want everyone to be happy and sometimes I get hurt in the process, but thats okay because I am a forgiver, and I know it. I have friends who have treated me bad in the past, but if they needed me or anything I would be there for them no question. I love my friends so much, to me they are apart of my family and apart of me, so I always have them in mind. This may seem stupid or naive, but I believe people are naturally good, they just make bad decisions, because they think it will benefit them when in reality it will only hurt them. This is my belief, and probably one of my strongest ones, because I feel people just don't care anymore that they have to only look out for themselves. I could never live that way and refuse to see life that way. Anywho that was a rant on my beliefs a little, my bad. I talked to Caroline about how I felt last night and she helped me a bit because I am kind of stuck at what to do, especially with my friend at home. I figure it out in time I guess or when I see him this weekend. Well I have work to do that I have yet to start, so off I go, and will update soon!

Confusion

2008-11-17T23:29:00.002-05:00

So I don't know if its because I am tired or because of the song I am listening to, but I am just hit with this lost confused feeling again. Though this a little different, then before. I am so confused in my "guy department" as weird as that sounds. I thought I had found someone, but they didn't want me, so I have settled on being their trusted friend. I still love them, and always will, but I want them to be happy, and that's all that matters. I found out a good friend of mine at home who I have known for years has liked me for a long time, but decided to tell me now that I am away from home and about a year after I stopped liking him, cause I thought he was just a flirt. Then I have another guy friend at home who also likes me, who I am talking to but defiantly not rushing anything, because I am still getting to know him. There is also my ex who I am pretty wants to get back together, but knows better to ask. He always wants to hang out when I come home, and we are friends, honestly is that really necessary? I just can't see it when guys like me. I don't try I am just me. What do they want from me? From my past experience all they want is to sleep with me, well go as far as I am willing to let them and then run away from me to find something better. I guess I get boring or something...I dunno I am literally falling asleep as I write this so I am going to bed, but before I do here is the first song I have written in like a year. Its still a little rough, but I wrote it when I was really emotional and it made me feel so much better afterwards and that's all that matters.

I see you sitting here

Across from me

With that look

In your eyes

Can't you see

I am trying so hard

To move on

Just let it all go

It's for the best

you say

I'm just a girl

Who fell in love

What do I know

Anyway

We were so close

Yet so far apart

Do you even realize

Where we are?

You say you're

Here for me

I want so bad to believe

In everything

You say to me

But can't you see

I am trying so hard

To move on

Just let it all go

Its for the best

you say

I'm just a girl

Who fell in love

What do I know

Anyway

I didn't know

It would hurt

This bad

Over something

I never truly had

Will I ever learn?

I am trying so hard

To move on

Just let all go

Does it show?

It's for the best

you say, but

That I am just a girl

Who fell in love

What do I know anyway

Oh what do I know

I just let my heart go

I should've known

Should've known

Weekend life

2008-11-16T19:37:00.002-05:00

First of all let me say I can't believe its sunday already! This weekend flew by so fast! It was worth it though :) Friday night was the Women's opener against Bucknell University, and we unfortunately lost, but I still cheered my heart out. Right before the game started I did my round off backhand spring, but I didn't lock my arms out for some unknown reason,, so I slammed my knee into the hard wood floor, and cut it a little so I was bleeding as well.....great! I didn't tumble my first game, which frustrated me so much, because I know I capable and able to do this. Anyway Saturday came and my team and I taped some of our running tumbling for 3 hours! We got some good takes, but we will have to go back, and tap some more some other Saturday. Saturday night Gary and I went to Ibiza and danced till like 2am. Before though we had dinner at Potbelly's which was nice and then we drove to DC to get to Ibiza, but we got a little lost along the way lol. Next time I drive to DC use GPS! We got back at 3am and went straight to bed. I had another Women's game today at 2 against Richmond and we lost again :(. I also messed up my knee again which pissed me off, because I know the wood floor is just a mental game for me. I can do this and I will. Well now I am watching the Skins game vs the Cowboys so I must pay attention. GO REDSKINS!!!!!!

Trying to de-stress my life

2008-11-13T21:45:00.003-05:00

Since my last post I have just decided to stop fighting certain things and stop trying to prove my points, because they obviously don't care and don't want to hear what I have to say anymore, so whatever. Also recently I have been hit with this massive feeling of missing my family and friends back home. It comes out of no where and tears just roll down my face. I hate it, because it makes no sense, I just have to wait a week and I will be home again to work and make some money. I am currently waiting for my laundry to get done...it takes forever! Today I also went off campus for the first time in a while which was nice, and got to go shopping, though I didn't buy all I wanted to due to time restraints. I am trying so hard like my title says to de-stress, but especially during the week I find it hard to just relax. I've discussed this with some of my friends, but I know I have a lot riding on my college education. I can't let my parents down, or my family general. I am the youngest in my family, but I am the first to go to college straight out of high school and I want to be a good example for my younger cousins. I am so close to my parents, because I know I can tell them anything, and they will never judge me or stop loving me. My family is huge, but I strive to maintain a good relationship with everyone. I can't wait for Christmas break, because I get to see my Grandpa John for the first time in over year. He is sick, because he smoked for so long, so he has to have oxygen with him always. I have only known him for six years, so we have a lot of loss time to make up for when we visit each other. I will also get to see my great great aunt Paulie who is 99, and I love her so much, she is one of the greatest people you will ever meet. She is always full of life and wants to have a good time, but since her last fall she has been having a hard time, and I can't wait to just give her a big hug and tell her how much I love her. I have also been really missing my best friends from home Kitty and Brittany. I feel so far away and alone suddenly. Those girls are my sisters. I would do anything for them and they would do the same for me. I am working so hard to get out of this funk and be totally happy. I just need to let myself go. I am working so hard in everything I am doing, and I hope it shows. Well anyway I have a history paper to finish so off I go!

.........

2008-11-11T22:04:00.002-05:00

Thats how I feel today overall. The day started out well with me looking all nice, because I dressed up for no reason. Then I had my classes and some time to kill. Caroline and I had lunch together, and we discussed a lot. Her and I are two peas in a pod but we gotta make sure we have girl time lol. Kitty called me and basically told me she hates on of my best friends because of what has been happening, and I don't blame her, she is trying to protect me and be a good friend. Everyone keeps telling me the same things, but they don't know this person so they can't pass judgement. Anyway I had my sight singing test as well and got a 90! WHOO HOO! I was really happy about it, but the test ran over and I was late for cheerleading practice, which I felt bad about. At practice people got some minor injuries that prevented us from getting everything we needed to get done, but tomorrow will be better I hope. This post is short, because there is so much on my mind but I don't have enough time to vent it, so until next time!

[Currently Untitled]

2008-11-10T22:22:00.002-05:00

I have no idea what to title this blog post to be honest. I'll just say a few things before I get my homework done and go to bed. I got back to Mason fine last night, and everything was going well till I was asked to talk about something I did not want to. It was pointless to me and it accomplished nothing, but reiterate how I felt and what I wanted. The thing is what I want doesn't matter, because someone made choices that have made my wants, wishes. I am allowing others to be happy before myself. I know or I have been told that I shouldn't do this, but I love these people with all my heart, and I am willing to sacrifice my feelings and wishes for them to be happy. I really wish things weren't complicated, but they are and I think I am doing a good job of dealing with it. I still cry, but it is less and whenever it gets bad I can turn to them and they will let me cry, yell, or just talk to them about it, making me feel a little better. I would say more but like I said before there is no point. Time is the best healer and maybe one day we will both want the same things, and then what I want will matter. Besides this cheerleading is going okay, because now we are getting into the harder stunts, so it is taking us longer to hit it right. I feel bad for those who are seriously hurting from old injuries or new ones. I just keep my mouth shut and work as hard as I can everyday to make our team the best it can. I really hope I can cheer all four years, but it is a slim possibility. I am going to cheer as long as I can, because I really do love it and always will. :) Anywho off to do some studying before bed.

Sunday Afternoon

2008-11-09T21:50:00.002-05:00

Today has been an interesting day. I am currently babysitting (well they are in bed now) while I am waiting to go back to Mason. I hope I can find my way back to campus....at night oh boy. I woke up at a responable hour and clean my dorm room minus vacuuming which does need to happen soon. Today as I was packing I was hit with the feeling of missing my dad, alot. Which is the first time that has happened since I came to school. I really miss having our jam sessions. My dad would pull out his old guitar and his old light blue binder with classic songs rock, country and some pop. We would sing together while he played. This was how I learned how to sing, with my dad, and I really miss it. I called him and he was studying and I just said " I miss you dad." He said he missed me too alot. I told him that he needed to pick up his guitar again, because it has been way too long since he played last. He agreed so I told him when I came home over Thanksgiving break we would have a jam session again like when I was younger. I love looking back, remembering crawling up to him and looking up at him strumming away on his guitar and singing songs like Hotel California, American Pie, and Thunder Rolls. I am a daddy's girl and proud of it. I would do anything for my father, and I have fought for him, defended him, and helped him as any loving daughter would. I will always be there for him, and even though I know he has made mistakes and isn't perfect I have such pride in him for what he has done with his life and how he has made it to where he is. My dad at one point had nothing. He had to live out of his car, and now he is graduating from college, working for the state of Va, and has a reunited bigger, and more loving family then he has ever had. He will always be my hero, and my mentor. I love my dad and always will end of story <3 <3

My Family...and Life

2008-11-08T19:55:00.002-05:00

I guess I should start with Friday, which started off bad because I got an email saying they had my license and I needed to come pick it up. I freaked out and looked where I kept my license and I had my metro card and a gift card missing as well. I thought fuck I'm not getting those back. I go to my first class and ask my professor if I could leave early to go pick up my license, since I wouldn't have anytime and I needed it to drive to see my sister. She said okay and when I got the the building I asked for it, and to my surprise not only was my license there but also my metro card and my Barnes & Noble gift card! I couldn't believe that something good was happening to me. I was so happy and appreciative to whoever did that for me. Then I had to run to my PMI make-up lesson that ran for an hour. I told my professor that I want so bad to have a strong, and power voice, but I know I have a choir voice. He told me that I have it, I just don't know how to get it out, because I have very little solo experience. This is very true, I have been singing in choirs my whole life, but I am typical car and house singer. I sing at the top of my lungs while I am home alone cleaning or when I am driving.I think I do this because I know I don't have an amazing voice. I know I have talent and I can be great, but I am not there yet, and I am working so hard to achieve this lifetime goal for myself.

Any way I got a little pissed at the end of Friday before I left for my sister's, because of a practicing mix up that put me a half hour behind, so I didn't leave for Brandy's till 5. I didn't get to her house till 7:15ish, and it shouldn't have taken that long, but people in Fairfax can't merge to save their lives! Anyway I was glad when I got there, because Anthony just smiled at me and had me read a book to him. It was one of my sister's Ashley's old books, The Land Before Time. Just sitting there making dinosaur sounds with him had me laughing and smiling. I saw what was important while I was with him. Children are so innocent and loving. His bright blues smiling enjoying the simplest things in life. I am not officially his aunt, but I love him like my nephew and I would do anything for him. Soon he will have a little brother, Austyn and I felt him kick in my sister's stomach, which also amazes me. The miracle of life, in 9 short months a human is born, that is something that will always amaze me. That night I had dinner with my family and went out to Jeremy's house having girl time while all the boys played pool. I talked to Gary and Ed that night as well, which also helped make me feel better, because I have trouble sleeping now, so now I will talk to someone til I fall asleep, because my body can't take it anymore, so my mind just shuts down. I had a really good night sleep for the first time last night on my sister's coach, and I loved it. I was going to play in Pep Band today, but I decided to stay with my family a little while longer and go shopping and have lunch with them. I stood by Anthony while he got his hair cut as well, which was so adorable. I love children so much :)! I was sad to leave, but I needed to come back to Mason, so I gave them all a hug and kiss goodbye and began the drive back to school. When I got back I felt sad, and I think it was because I look back and I feel regret for things I had no control over, like the relationship with my sister. We were never close for many different reasons, and I came to the realization I didn't even know my own sister this past March and since then I have been working so hard to build a strong relationship with her. I also feel like I am missing a major part of her life while I am at school, and I want so bad to be there for her. My other sister Ashley, we lived together till I left for school this past fall, is so different. I know she loves me, but she is not the kind of person to show it, unless I am threatened, or hurt. She has been there for me as well, but we have a very tense relationship sometimes, because we are so different. Anyway I got back to Mason, and I set up my laundry, but went to dinner with Gary, Caroline, and some of Caroline's friends. While I was sitting there I got that lonely feeling a couple times, but I kept pushing it away and talking to Talisha joking around, which made me feel better. Afterwards I did my laundry and Gary drilled me on intervals......or tried I was kind of distracted getting my laundry together. Then we watched some Super Mario YouTube video about a secret level, and I will admit it was hilarious. I am now listening to music I just bought trying to relax, and keep my mind on happy thoughts, to push away this need to cry. I know I am not alone, but the feeling comes back even when I am with people, having a good time. Anyway this has been another long blog, lol hopefully they will get shorter.

Shutting Out the World

2008-11-06T20:27:00.002-05:00

This has been just along rut that I can not seem to get out of.......AND I HATE IT! I finally figured out what is wrong with me. I am depressed. This has happened once before and everything is pretty much the same. I am never hungry, so I don't eat....I get upset over the stupidest things, and cry a lot. I feel alone and bothered at the same time. I am trying so hard to keep up my happy cheerful self by it is wearing thin, so when people ask if I am okay I just lie and say I am tired. I will figure this out and climb out okay, but I just have to once again deal with my life a step at a time.

I was excited for next weekend, because I was going to see my sister Brandy and go to her baby shower for my future nephew lil Austyn. Then I was reminded I had tumbling practice the same day from 2-5pm for nationals taping.......I just started crying. I called my sister in tears apologizing for having to miss her baby shower, and I told her I missed her so much. I haven't seen her in months and I need her right now. She told me it was okay and that she loved me and understood I was having a hard time right now and she wouldn't be going anywhere and I could see her anytime. I am almost positive I am going to drive down to see her tomorrow evening once I get out of class.

I then called my dad, because I needed him to know I wouldn't be going so I would have to give Brandy her gift later. I told him how I've had a bad week, and I am going go see Brandy on friday and he says "You aren't going anywhere." I got so angry I yelled at him " Dad I am all the way at school how are you going to tell me where I can and can't go." Of course he pointed out that he and my mom do pay for gas, but I was still angry saying " You can't prevent me from seeing my sister." I told him I would call him later and shortly after my mom called all worried. I love my parents I really do, but I feel it is time I don't tell them everything and rely on them so much. I am an adult and need to start dealing with things on my own. I hate this so much, I can't even describe it. I am wasting so much energy and time on feelings and things I shouldn't, but I can't help it as stupid as it sounds.

I just want so bad to stop crying and feeling hurt. Everyone tells me " Jessica you are so beautiful, nice, sweet, and you are such a wonderful person. You deserve the best." Things like that, and I keep thinking is all of this is true then way does all the bad shit keep happening to me? Why do I keep getting taken advantage of? Why do I keep getting hurt? I the best for others and I want everyone to be happy especially those I love and care about. Is this causing me to sell myself short? Am I sacrificing myself for others? Am I being to selfless?? I wish I knew the answers, but I don't. My friends have really been there for me and they including my sister don't like one person in my life, but without them I would've fallen apart. Being far away from those closest to me have made it hard recently and they have been there to listen and let me yell and cry even when it was at them. This person has become my best friend at school. They have hurt me, but I have forgiven them, because I know that was never their intention. I hope that they value our friendship as much as I do. Another person I have come to love as a sister is my friend Caroline. We joke around and say we're twins cause we're so similar lol. She can always make me smile and I know I can trust her with anything I tell her or confide in her, and recently that means a lot to me. Well this has become a long blog that has taken me over an hour to type, so update soon........I can't wait to be happy again.

Monday Monday Monday!

2008-11-03T22:29:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day, for the most part. It started out awesome, because I got back a theory quiz and I got 89! That is my highest grade in that class so far! I have been struggling in that class for so long and it feel amazing have my work finally starting to pay off. Things went a little down hill though, because my PMI professor once again cancelled my lesson. That is three that have been cancelled, and juries are in like three weeks!!!!!! I really hope I have lessons on Wednesday, I need to work so much and their is only so much I can do on my own.

The cheerleading squad started taping, and we did the easy stunts today, but it took forever for no reason. It's only day 1 and we will be taping until January! I keep thinking about the end of the semester....and how I will be one of many student athletes who stay at school over winter break... and I wonder what will I do when I am not practicing or when I am not at games. Any who these thoughts run through my mind along with others that prevent me from sleeping currently, but I think after I take a shower things will be better. So off I go!

Life changing experiances

2008-11-03T01:01:00.002-05:00

Today I finally did it. I let it all go. I spoke my mind and said pretty much everything I needed to say, and thank the lord! Before I did though I am pretty positive I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. I was getting this horrible feeling like something was going to go wrong, someone was going to get hurt or something and it kept getting worse and worse. Then I couldn't control my breathing anymore and my heart rate sped up super fast. I felt as though I couldn't control my body and my hands started going numb. I was scared out of my mind, but thank goodness Caroline and Gary were there for me. I felt so overwhelmed I didn't know what to do and I kept fighting it. I felt seriously ill, but I knew I needed to eat, because I hadn't eaten much on Sunday. I have no idea how long it lasted, but it was a long time. I think it was mostly because I kept fighting it and making it worse. They both knew something was wrong so I just let it all out. I felt like I needed to cry, but I can't make myself cry it just has to come, so I think getting angry and venting had the same affect. Now its all about healing and taking things a day at a time, so not to ruin friendships or hurt anyone anymore. I was so scared of letting things out and I think that added to the panic and anxiety. I feel so much better and I hope things finally start working out.

Besides this I have my first official basketball game on Wednesday and tomorrow the All-girl Squad starts tapping for NCA nationals I am super excited :) I can't wait for winter break and I am currently needing to go to bed, so I think I am going to do that lol. Update soon!

Making some changes

2008-11-02T00:19:00.004-04:00

I have decided to make some changes in my life. I will no longer be the girl taken advantage of. I will no longer be someone who is taken for granted either. I am going to be a better person, to everyone even if I do not particularly like them. These are some of the small steps I am taking to be a stronger better person. I have been hurt too much recently by people who I thought knew better, but I guess not. Something has to change, and I guess its me. Nothing too drastic I promise, I will always be the fun-loving, smiling, caring Jessica everyone knows, but I am sick of getting abused and hurt. I am not talking physically at all f.y.i. This is a mental thing for me that I will take one step at a a time. I need to refocus on what's important. I am attending a major university to better my life, and not have to struggle like my mother and father did. I am meeting new people expanding my horizons and vision of the world. I have a family that loves me for who I am and friends that truly care and love me from Virginia to Texas and Wisconsin. I know who they are and they know it too. I just really feel like I have to say this somewhere. I get the feeling once again like I had a little bit less then a year ago that people think they can walk all over me, and that I need to them to survive, well I don't and you can't. I have a very long fuse but I will blow up at you and tell you to back off if you push me to far and take me for granted.

My friend Ed and I discussed writing and how it helps release emotions that are kept locked away, and if they aren't expressed some how will eventually explode. Thats what this blog is for me recently. Though I will try to put more positive info currently these thoughts plague my mind, and I have friends that tell me "Jessica you are strong, you don't have to take this". I am taking their words to heart. I have also physically changed my look. For the first time in a long time I have made major changes to my hair and I think I look so different. I was terrified at first because my best friend Kitty was doing my hair and started freaking me out. Once I saw it though I loved it :) ! Any who I feel much better already stating some of my changes as I am falling asleep at the computer. Back to George Mason tomorrow for another long week of school, but I wouldn't have it any other way in my life right now.

Falling

2008-10-30T21:43:00.002-04:00

So I should be writing my History paper, but I need to clear my mind first. Things are better, but I feel like I can't stop myself from falling. Everyday I get deeper and deeper, and I dunno if they will ever read this and know I am talking about them. Who knows! Anyway like its obvious, and I wish I could hide it, because I hate explaining myself to others. I hope it doesn't damage or end our friendship. I hope I can fix my emotions and feelings, because nothing will come from a one way street. It does me no good if my feelings are not returned. I keep editing myself, and I wish I could just go up to them and say everything that is on my mind, but I know it would do no good. Once again this is my problem to fix, and I will be damned if it ends a treasured friendship. Besides that I kind of wish it was already next weekend, like this weekend is work and thats it, so not very exciting. Tomorrow is Halloween and I am the Cheshire Cat :) I hope I get a pic of my in my costume lol. Off to write now, and again I bet no one will read this lol.

Where do I go from here?

2008-10-28T22:02:00.002-04:00

I don't know and I wish I did. I thought I was going about things the right way, but I feel I have made things worse. I don't want to lose a friend....I don't want to have to explain myself either. This is so frustrating! I made it complicated though, so its my mess to figure out.

This seems to be a reoccurring theme for me this week, because my friend John from home is suddenly cold to me, and doesn't want to seem to talk to me anymore over stupid shit that shouldn't have gotten him angry in the first place. He says everyone doubts what he tells them, because he is honest but I told him I didn't. Then he started generalizing me as my gender. Talking to me as if I was just a women, not Jessica who he has known for like three fucking years. MEN ARE SO STUPID SOMETIMES!!!! I mean honestly you can't stereotype everyone, people are different and unique no one is exactly the same. I hate being generalized and stereotyped. I may be blonde, but I'm sure as hell not like every blonde on the planet. My name is Jessica, but I am not like any other Jessica I have met, so don't sit there and fucking tell me that I am a woman so you have no faith or belief in what I say. Don't fucking sit there and tell my I am ungrateful because I am a woman! I am so pissed about this and I just can't understand his actions and what the hell his deal is. To have him sit there and call me ungrateful is one of the most painful things ever. I have never been ungrateful for anything. I thank God everyday that I am alive and that I have what I have in my life. I was born 6 weeks premature and was very ill for a long time, so don't sit there and tell my I fucking ungrateful! Ugh, this rate has made me mad....I need to relax and focus on my homework and just get it done. I truly and honestly hope that by the end of this week I haven't lost someone I have come to love as a friend or lose I long time valued friend. I feel like I need to cry or scream! I hate doing that though because I look like I am depressed or something. I'm not I am just extremely frustrated! Anyway I have got lots to do to get ready for finals coming in like 4 weeks!

Miscommunication, and confusion

2008-10-27T20:40:00.003-04:00

Does it ever happen to you that you ask for advice to help clear up how you feel? Well I have and it hasn't helped me at all. It sucks when you realize something has taken apart of you that you can't have back. It's not that I don't want to give it away, but I feel as though I am putting so much effort into something important to me, but not to them. I should let go, but my heart won't let me. I feel as though I have lost again. When will the day come that everything I do and how I feel reflect where I am life. When will my efforts pay off? I guess I am destined to walk alone, always helping others, selling myself sort must be the price. It's my fault I feel this way I knew better, and I let my feelings control my mind. I settled for a short moment of happiness that came with pain, anger, and frustration. I hope I don't repeat this mistake, because I am tired of getting hurt. I am strong and this is not the first or the last time I will be hurt, but I will not allow this to knock me down. I am beautiful, I am smart, and I am loved. To quote the Princess Bride "Life is pain" and boy do I know it. It's learning how to deal with it and treasure the good times more to balance all the bad that is thrown your way. Maybe one they will see, and maybe they won't who knows....All I can do is wait, watch, and live my life, because life is not going to stop for me or anyone else. Sorry this seems so mixed up, but it's not like anyone reads this.......oh well.

Growing and Learning

2008-10-23T20:00:00.002-04:00

Well, my title says it all really. I am growing and learning so much everyday....not just in school, but about myself, and interactions with others. I am human and I make mistakes. Thats how I learn, and how I make myself a better person. Especially in things I know little about or have little experience in. It's all about trial and error for me and I hope that the mistakes I have made or make are not so severe that I am unable to keep what I have gained. From my new friends to the knowledge I have gained about life in general. I am not being extremely specific, so sorry for that, but there are some things I don't say to the world. I keep it in locked in my mind to tell only those I truly trust and love. On that note I have to go practice flute and study for a test, so update soon. Choir concert on Sunday and pep band on Saturday....an exciting weekend for me! :)

College Life

2008-10-22T22:22:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I haven't really kept up to date on my blog like I planned but thats okay, here is an update. Cheerleading is going very well, we start taping for nationals on the 3rd, and I almost have my round off double back hand spring! Sometimes I feel distant from the team, because I only see most of them during practice, but I ma dealing with balancing cheerleading and music better.

My music classes are going better, I am finally understanding music theory thanks to Gary. He pushes me to drill and understand everything, which is what I need and really appreciate. Sighting singing I had a moment yesterday were I got so angry at myself I cried, which is never really good, except I felt better afterwards. All my other classes are going awesome, history is a breeze and I get to sleep in non Friday since I don't have class! WHOO HOO!! :)

In other news my sister will be having my nephew Austyn in three months! I can't wait to be an auntie! :) My family is so important to me, I would be no where without my loving parents, and sisters.

Life is good, over all I have friends and family that love me, and someone who now holds a special place in my heart <3

Till next time!

College

2008-10-15T00:32:00.002-04:00

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. School has kept me really busy between balancing of school, cheering, friends, work and family my life is in constant motion. I like it that way and I am glad I enjoy my life as much as I do. Since I lasted blogged I turned 19, and I have made many friends at school and love Mason so much! Anyway I will hopefully be back soon with better and more interesting news. :) <3

Tears, Mistakes,Sadness

2008-08-16T16:38:00.005-04:00

So much has happened since my last post and I wish I could go back and change some of the things that happened, even though I know I can't. Let me start with visiting my roommate and seeing my family.

Paige and I have a lot in common, and I think we will get along great. Her mom, aunt, uncle and little sister are really nice and were very excited for Paige and I. I don't know how much I will see Paige, since our classes are completely different, but either way I am glad see is my roommate.

My uncle Mark was glad to see me and we talked about the upcoming UVA football season and my cousin Britney's marching band schedule. My aunt Jeanette and cousin Tealor were there, and it has been so long since I have seen Tealor I was surprised at how much she has grown. I was also surprised at the state of my aunt. I just hope that things get better for them....who knows. They're my family and I love them no matter what.

Brandy is definitely showing and we had a nice time shopping together at the mall(I bought a pair of Sperry's and a new nose ring), and a wonderful dinner at TGIF. Of course I gave Annie a hard time for not being there, because she was so adamant that I come and visit(She just turned 21, so I can't blame her for partying a little).

The Olympics started on the 8th and the opening ceremony was amazing, but of course the controversy surrounding China has not lessened at all, and right after the Olympics started Russia invaded their neighboring country Georgia. The Olympics are suppose to be about unity and peace. It as if Russia forgot about the Olympic message, even though Vladamir Pudtin sat right next to our president George Bush Jr. who later he told the press their actions where inexcusable and condoned by America. Michael Phelps has won seven gold medals so far in these games alone and has one more race to win the most medals ever won in one Olympic game. About two days ago he won more medals then anyone ever combining the medals he won in Athens in 2004 to make a total of eleven at the time, though I think it is now thirteen. Nastia Liukin won the Gold for All Around Gymnastics with Shawn Johnson taking the silver, and Team USA in Gymnastics took the silver as well, fall behind China. Currently the USA has 54 medals the most of any country with 16 Gold and Silver and 22 Bronze, but China has more Golds coming second to the US in the over all standings. I have always dreamed of being in the Olympics, but it will probably always be a dream, even though my mom says there are plenty of sports I could learn to do, and have a shot at joining the American team. Maybe one day...we will just have to see.

Something that has overshadowed my joy of leaving for school, and the Olympics is the death of my dog Athena. On August 10 she died suddenly of a diaphragmatic hemorrhage. She was fine and her normal self until that night when we all noticed she looked sick, and when she started breathing really hard we knew something was wrong. My mom, dad, and I took her to the Emergency Vet clinic, where they gave her oxygen immediately. The head vet came out and told us what was wrong and that she needed emergency surgery. All of her boules had gone into her chest cavity so they needed to cut her open and put everything back in place. As they were setting her up for surgery, giving her morphin for the pain, and an IV her heart went into an irregular beat, and she died. It was only 30 minutes after we got her there. My mom felt guilty and so do I thinking if only we had gotten her there sooner. It hurts so much not having her around, she was only six years old, and in the best shape of her life. I have always had a dog and Athena was the first one I raised as mine completely. I was looking forward to her waiting for me to come home and greeting me at the door when I came back from school. The house is so empty without her, and the cats are confused and don't understand why she is gone. I still cry and I wish I could hold her and see that silly grin of hers. I look at pictures of her from when she was a puppy to about two weeks before she died and I can't believe she's gone. We will get another dog, but not until we are ready. It will be another border collie mix like Athena, but no dog could ever replace my puppy...my baby.

The final thing one this blog, is one of the biggest mistakes I have made this summer. Today was suppose to be my last day at Eddie Bauer. I was suppose to work 12pm-4pm, and I missed my shift. Last night I set my alarm to 10:30am, so that I would have an hour to get ready and half an hour to get there. My alarm did not go off. I woke up at 2pm the latest I have slept all summer. When I woke up I called them, and apologized over and over, and asked if there was anything I could do to fix this, Scott one of my mangers said no it was too late to come in and would see me when I got back. I cried, because I felt like a failure. I had ruined my good job, with people I enjoyed working with. I knwo that Julie is probably mad at me, and I will go in tomorrow and apologize to her face to face, as well as Rose (the head manager), so at least I can try to make it better. Nothing seems to be going right, and everything keeps getting messed up. I hope that when I go to school I can start on a good note and leave this terrible end to my summer in the past. Well not total end since I leave on Friday, I still have time to end on a good note. Anyway that is all for now here are some pics of my baby.

Athena as a puppy isn't she cute! Athena playing with Spaz, best buddies!

Athena when she was over wieght. Athena with me in my senior pictures

Athena about two weeks before she died. I miss you baby!

Frustrations, Excitement, ect

2008-08-02T18:06:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow I get to meet my roomate who lives in Richmond which about an hour away from Charlottesville, but before that I am going to see my Unle Mark, and hopefully Aunt Jeanette and my little cousin Tealor. I love them but my family has it's fair share of drama and issues which I try to solve, but a lot of the time I just have to walk away. Then after I have lunch with my roomate, Paige I am going to see my sister Brandy (the one who is pregnant) and have dinner with her. I just looked at the ultrasound pics of my niece/nephew that is coming into this crazy mixed up world and I just smile at the miracle of life. I can't wait til I am ready to children of my own.
Well that is the fun/good stuff, but currently I am also really frustrated and upset right now. My friends keep saying they are sad to see me leave and they want to hang out, but whenever I ask or have plans they end up cancelling or changing. One friend Brittany never seems to want to see me anymore, which I should know better, I mean her step-dad has cancer and is in the hospital right now, but she still has the energy to see and hang with Julie, Travis, Jesse and Andrew. I guess I am jealous, but she was all about hanging out with me since I was leaving and as it gets closer she keeps her distance from me, and it hurts. I don't know why I am so upset about it all of a sudden. I guess I am scared our friendship is closing, which hurts and makes me really sad. I hope that is not the case, because I love Brittany like a sister, and we have been through so much together.
Another friend I am scared to lose is Kitty. I've known her since I moved to C-ville, and she says we will always be best friends, and I believe her, but I still have a doubt or two, cause I always work so hard to keep my friends I make through out life, and I don't know what I would do if I lost Kitty. We've done everything together from getting in trouble together to partying together, seven years is a long time and its one of the best friendships I have ever had. Maybe tomorrow I won't feel so upset, and I hope so. I don't want to cry untill the day I have to leave. Well thats all for now, peace out.

Becoming an Auntie :)

2008-07-29T23:24:00.003-04:00

In January I will be an aunt and I can't wait :) I love children and adding another one to the family is totally awesome. This baby was not planned, but neither was I! :) This something I am not ashamed of or hide, really people if you do the math my parents were married on july 2nd and four months later to the day october 2nd I was born a month early. I have no issue with my sister and her boyfriend no being married, all I care about is that they love and take care of each other, Anthony and my future niece or nephew. My sister sent me a picture of her stomach, being 14 weeks along and she is showing. I have seen several ultra sound photos and each time I am just amazed and how we as humans are created and survive this world. I am off to bed soon since I have work early tomorrow morning at Camp Friendship, so good night world! :)

Home After One Long Week

2008-07-28T23:34:00.011-04:00

Since my last post I went up to northern Virginia for cheerleading practice, and then left for cheerleading camp at the University of Alabama. It was a three day camp with both the All-Girl Squad that I am on and the Co-ed Squad. Some of the best and biggest known schools were there, including LSU,UCF,University of Florida, University of Alabama, University of Mississippi, and more. It was the biggest camp I have ever been to. It was a lot of hard work and hard stunting. The team received all Superior ribbons, but we got 4th in the chant in Camp Champs and did not place in the cheer. I feel it is my fault, for that. I was the bottom of a 2-2-1 pyramid, and when I popped Britt off of my shoulders I did not get a good grip on her shoulders and she stumble. One of the older girls got upset with me and I messed up. I wanted to say I was sorry, but I knew she was upset, so I did not say anything. I hate it when people get upset and mad at me. I do not deal with it very well sometimes. Anyway I am home now healing my injuries, which are shoe burns on my shoulders. One hurts way more then the other, but otherwise I have a couple bruises and that is all. Another work week ahead and school is right around the corner :) Here are pics from camp.

Dark Knight

2008-07-18T23:14:00.008-04:00

Okay wow is all I really can say about the new Batman movie Dark Knight. The best movie I have seen this summer, and I highly doubt any other movie coming out this summer will top it. Heath Ledger is amazing as the Joker. He made my skin crawl, and you never expect what he was going to do or say. He surprised from the second he was on screen to the very end. Of course Heath Ledger is not the only amazing thing about Dark Knight. Christian Bale once again delivers as Batman and Bruce Wayne. Bruce begins to the path to try to let Batman go, but of course the Joker will not let that happen. Also I did not know before had that Two Face was also in this movie. I had forgotten Two Face's real name is Harvey Dent. I do not want to give anything away, but I am so glad I went to the midnight showing even if their was a really long line and lots of loud annoying people. I have come to realize that when I watch movies I become so invested in the characters, and their world. Whenever someone dies even if it's a character I do not like I get upset. I can not help it. I tend to be on the edge of my seat absorbing everything in the movie hanging on every word. Well that is my movie review for Dark Kinght, I think everyone should see it, and just enjoy the ride of a fantastic movie. Here are some pics of my cinematic adventure!
My friend Lauren with her boyfriend Steve.....knitting while waiting for the Dark Knight to start......Lauren I love her, but wow I would never have thought she'd knit while waiting on a movie!

A Noneventful Wednesday

2008-07-16T21:49:00.005-04:00

First I have to say I forgot that The Dark Knight comes out Friday, so I did not see the movie tonight.....obviously. I still cannot wait to see it on Friday with some of my best friends :). On to today's events and thoughts. I worked at Camp Friendship today and worked on doing a double backhand spring. I have my single backhand spring, but its not perfect, and I.....am a perfectionist. I hate it, but I am and I can't really help it. Its weird though because I am not a perfectionist at everything, cause if you saw my room.....it would be quite odd to hear me say I am a perfectionist. Anything I physically do in sports or music I want it to be absolutely perfect and right. The way my room looks......kind of falls at the bottom of the list. It's something I am working on fixing and trying to be realistic about everything I do. Anyway today I ran two miles and I am very proud of myself for doing that, cause I am not a long distance runner. I am good at short prints....i.e. why I am good at soccer or think I am good at soccer. I am trying to get to running 3 miles without stopping, because I have to run 3 miles a day for cheerleading practice, and that is just the warm-up. I am working out at least 3 times a week to get and shape, but I need to run more for sure. I would write more but I need to clean up my room a little bit, because like mentioned earlier my room is kind of organized chaos, that needs to be organized more, so have a wonderful evening!
"I am who I am I change for nothing and no one, take me or leave me"

Trying to keep consitant blog for a change

2008-07-15T15:34:00.003-04:00

So this is my attempt at keeping a consistent blog......again. I have blog on several websites from livejournal, xanga, myspace, and facebook. But something always distracts me at some point. Either I get bored or I want to try a new site. I will try and stay here throughout college, just so I can have some consistency. On to today and future plans! Today is my mother's 50th birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! :) I called her this morning and sang her happy birthday like any good daughter would do, and when I get home I will make sure she has a semi relaxing day at home(It will be kind of impossible for her to have a full day of relaxation since she is finally cleaning out the basement after living in the same house for almost 6 years). Tomorrow is Wednesday which means my friends Lauren, Loren, RJ and I will be seeing the midnight showing of The Dark Knight. Lauren's boyfriend Steve is coming along as well and RJ and Steve have gotten our tickets via Fandango. I am really excited but I know come Thursday morning I am going to hate myself. The reason being is every Tuesday and Thursday morning I babysit a little girl and boy from 8:15am-1:30pm so that means I have to get up around 7:30am. I like to sleep and I like to sleep in i.e. I am not a morning person. Which is funny since I wake up around 7-7:30am every morning either because of babysitting or my other job at Camp Friendship Gymnastics. When I am not working either or those two jobs I am working at Eddie Bauer. Yes I am crazy to have three jobs, but I enjoy them and I need them to make money for school, so I won't have to work my first semester of college. I might get a job second semester, but I want to concentrate solely on school and my squad. Yes I am a cheerleader, and no I will not argue with anyone about it being a sport or not, because unless you have been a cheerleader you have no room to speak about its qualification of being a sport or not. I am on the All-Girl Squad at George Mason University where I am a Music Education major currently. Music is my passion and my love I do not know how people live with music in their lives. Anyway this blog has turned out longer then I thought it would be so I am going to go and help the kids with their paints.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"