Falling

So I should be writing my History paper, but I need to clear my mind first.  Things are better, but I feel like I can't stop myself from falling. Everyday I get deeper and deeper, and I dunno if they will ever read this and know I am talking about them. Who knows! Anyway like its obvious, and I wish I could hide it, because I hate explaining myself to others. I hope it doesn't damage or end our friendship.  I hope I can fix my emotions and feelings, because nothing will come from a one way street. It does me no good if my feelings are not returned. I keep editing myself, and I wish I could just go up to them and say everything that is on my mind, but I know it would do no good. Once again this is my problem to fix, and I will be damned if it ends a treasured friendship. Besides that I kind of wish it was already next weekend, like this weekend is work and thats it, so not very exciting.  Tomorrow is Halloween and I am the Cheshire Cat :) I hope I get a pic of my in my costume lol. Off to write now, and again I bet no one will read this lol. 

Where do I go from here?

I don't know and I wish I did. I thought I was going about things the right way, but I feel I have made things worse. I don't want to lose a friend....I don't want to have to explain myself either. This is so frustrating! I made it complicated though, so its my mess to figure out. 

 This seems to be a reoccurring theme for me this week, because my friend John from home is suddenly cold to me, and doesn't want to seem to talk to me anymore over stupid shit that shouldn't have gotten him angry in the first place. He says everyone doubts what he tells them, because he is honest but I told him I didn't. Then he started generalizing me as my gender. Talking to me as if I was just a women, not Jessica who he has known for like three fucking years. MEN ARE SO STUPID SOMETIMES!!!! I mean honestly you can't stereotype everyone, people are different and unique no one is exactly the same. I hate being generalized and stereotyped. I may be blonde, but I'm sure as hell not like every blonde on the planet. My name is Jessica, but I am not like any other Jessica I have met, so don't sit there and fucking tell me that I am a woman so you have no faith or belief in what I say. Don't fucking sit there and tell my I am ungrateful because I am a woman! I am so pissed about this and I just can't understand his actions and what the hell his deal is. To have him sit there and call me ungrateful is one of the most painful things ever. I have never been ungrateful for anything. I thank God everyday that I am alive and that I have what I have in my life.  I was born 6 weeks premature and was very ill for a long time, so don't sit there and tell my I fucking ungrateful!  Ugh, this rate has made me mad....I need to relax and focus on my homework and just get it done. I truly and honestly hope that by the end of this week I haven't lost someone I have come to love as a friend or lose I long time valued friend. I feel like I need to cry or scream! I hate doing that though because I look like I am depressed or something. I'm not I am just extremely frustrated! Anyway I have got lots to do to get ready for finals coming in like 4 weeks! 

Miscommunication, and confusion

Does it ever happen to you that you ask for advice to help clear up how you feel? Well I have and it hasn't helped me at all.  It sucks when you realize something has taken apart of you that you can't have back. It's not that I don't want to give it away, but I feel as though I am putting so much effort into something important to me, but not to them. I should let go, but my heart won't let me. I feel as though I have lost again.  When will the day come that everything I do and how I feel reflect where I am life. When will my efforts pay off? I guess I am destined to walk alone, always helping others, selling myself sort must be the price.  It's my fault I feel this way I knew better, and I let my feelings control my mind. I settled for a short moment of happiness that came with pain, anger, and frustration. I hope I don't repeat this mistake, because I am tired of getting hurt. I am strong and this is not the first or the last time I will be hurt, but I will not allow this to knock me down.  I am beautiful, I am smart, and I am loved. To quote the Princess Bride "Life is pain" and boy do I know it. It's learning how to deal with it and treasure the good times more to balance all the bad that is thrown your way. Maybe one they will see, and maybe they won't who knows....All I can do is wait, watch, and live my life, because life is not going to stop for me or anyone else. Sorry this seems so mixed up, but it's not like anyone reads this.......oh well.

Growing and Learning

Well, my title says it all really. I am growing and learning so much everyday....not just in school, but about myself, and interactions with others. I am human and I make mistakes. Thats how I learn, and how I make myself a better person. Especially in things I know little about or have little experience in. It's all about trial and error for me and I hope that the mistakes I have made or make are not so severe that I am unable to keep what I have gained. From my new friends to the knowledge I have gained about life in general. I am not being extremely specific, so sorry for that, but there are some things I don't say to the world. I keep it in locked in my mind to tell only those I truly trust and love. On that note I have to go practice flute and study for a test, so update soon. Choir concert on Sunday and pep band on Saturday....an exciting weekend for me! :)

College Life

 Okay, so  I haven't really kept up to date on my blog like I planned but thats okay, here is an update. Cheerleading is going very well, we start taping for nationals on the 3rd, and I almost have my round off double back hand spring! Sometimes I feel distant from the team, because I only see most of them during practice, but I ma dealing with balancing cheerleading and music better.

My music classes are going better, I am finally understanding music theory thanks to Gary. He pushes me to drill and understand everything, which is what I need and really appreciate. Sighting singing I had a moment yesterday were I got so angry at myself I cried, which is never really good, except I felt better afterwards. All my other classes are going awesome, history is a breeze and I get to sleep in non Friday since I don't have class! WHOO HOO!! :)

In other news my sister will be having my nephew Austyn in three months! I can't wait to be an auntie! :)  My family is so important to me, I would be no where without my loving parents, and sisters.  

Life is good, over all I have friends and family that love me, and someone who now holds a special place in my heart <3

Till next time!

College

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. School has kept me really busy between balancing of school, cheering, friends, work and family my life is in constant motion. I like it that way and I am glad I enjoy my life as much as I do. Since I lasted blogged I turned 19, and I have made many friends at school and love Mason so much! Anyway I will hopefully be back soon with better and more interesting news. :) <3