Thoughts running through my head

Spring semester is underway and I am getting my schedule set. I am so excited for my new music :D I had my first lesson on Thursday where I was given 2 English pieces [It Was a Lover and His Lass & The Bustle in the House] , 1 French piece [Absence](my first french piece ever), 1 Spanish [Serenta Gitara], and 1 German piece [Lied der Mignon]. I am suppose to be getting one or two Italian pieces this semester as well. I know these pieces wont be easy, but I am ready to challenge myself and improve my voice to become the best musician I can. I have already started on Lied der Mignon and I love it :) I love singing German and any Schubert piece is my favorite. Unfortunately I have run out of printer ink, so I have to go to the JC and pay to print out my music, good thing I have lots and lots of change. :)

Okay so let me just say this, I did this thing on facebook called 25 random things, and I realized something about myself while thinking about random facts. I have the hardest time......communicating when something is bothering me. I know I should talk about it but I usually try to ignore it and hope it goes away. My mind always thinks of the worst and since I hate it when people are upset or angry at me I try to avoid it at all costs. This tends to hurt me more then help me so I am trying to just talk to whoever I need to talk to instead of pushing it aside and bottling it up. This causes me to blow up at people, which I really regret when it happens because when I am really angry I get extremely mean and cruel sometimes. That is something else I am working on. My temper which doesn't come out much anyway but when it does I feel terrible afterwards so I have to learn to control it better. Setting goals for myself to make me a better person yay! :D

Let me say this I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S FEBRUARY!! Time is really flying and it kind of scares me to be honest, so much has changed and so much more will change....I just hope I don't loose myself in the process. I miss my bestest Kitty so much I wish I could see her more often and I miss Brittany too. I hope when I come home again I can relax with both of them.....its been too long, Kitty and I need an IHOP trip and I need to go bowling so I can suck bad enough to have her laugh at me :P

Okay well I am going to actually try to watch the Super Bowl. I feel sympathy for the Cardinals since they have never been to the Super Bowl, but my Grandpa John lives in Pittsburgh sooooo GOOO STEEELERS! lol :P

Writings

Reflecting back past
thinking about how it would be
If things had turned out differently

Life is a collection
of chain reactions
mainly for your
own satifaction
But I how was I know
You where what I was waiting for

Someone to love
Someone to hold
Some to turn to
When I am alone
You are there
With open arms
standing strong
You were waiting all along

*will finish later

I just felt like writing this came out of no where but I need to go to bed so I will write an actual update some time soon.....I hope

When I Get Where I Am Going

Have you ever wanted to shut out the world and shut your mind out as well? Has life become such an unclear place that you're not sure you want to wake up in the morning to face the world? Well that's how I feel right now.....I have never felt so unsure of myself and of my life. Where has Jessica gone? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror? This is not me. Jessica has never doubted her dreams, goals, or purpose in life before. Jessica doesn't cry every week. Jessica isn't extremely emotional or get jealous, angry, and upset all at the same time. Jessica is a loving girl who works hard to be the best person she can. Jessica is a helper and doer. Jessica smiles and laughs everyday all day. Jessica doesn't get sick every month. I just keep crying, is life to hard for me? Am I not strong enough for this world? I am a firm believer that God won't give you anything you can't handle and there is a reason for everything, but Lord what is this for? Why am I so sad? Am I becoming a jaded person? Has my world become so shattered that I can't fix it? I am so self conscious of myself and of my voice. I have always thought I'd had at least some talent or I wouldn't have made it this far, but do I really? I was never one of those people that would show off and brag about themselves or their talent. I don't fish for compliments either, because its not worth anything unless it is given genuinely. I don't know if its because I am suddenly surrounded by very very talented people that I am suddenly feeling jealous and terrible about my own place musically. It doesn't help that some people when I do sing just for fun in the car or whenever a song I know is heard tell my suddenly to stop. It makes me think I sound bad or they don't like the way I sing. I know there are certain times you shouldn't sing and so forth but honestly as stupid as it sounds that gets to me. Even if this person said they were joking it hurts......so please ask me nicely if you don't want to me sing and I won't. Some who read this will say I am too sensitive and take things too seriously well to those somethings I don't think at are funny or a joke so too bad. I have always been in someone else's shadow and I guess I will forever remain there. Why not I should be used to it by now. Should i stop singing? I can't believe I just asked that but I did. I can't imagine my life without music and without me singing everyday of my life but if that made things better maybe I should. I talked to Gary some about this and he says I am in a rough spot and I have lost my confidence and I said if that is true if I am broken in a way why is he still with me. Then he said something that has stuck with me. " I believe you can get through this, and I won't give up on you" That means so much to me and is so important to me. I can't really explain it, but the fact he said that means a lot.

Now the reason for my title is this song which the lyrics are posted at the bottom. I heard this song for the first time in a long time last night and I cried, but a happy cry. It made me think of my Aunt Michele and how no matter how many years pass one day I will see her again, and that this life is hard, but for a reason and you are never truly alone, because God is always with you even if you forget. This also says the truth for me at least when I pass on I don't want people to cry. I want them to smile. Smile about our memories together, about the life I lived no matter how long or short it is. if there are tears they should be tears of joy that I am in a better place and can watch those I love keep living a successful life. Well my tears have dried and I still have a lot to do tonight before I go to bed and work in the morning. Lord please give me guidance to see and understand why I am the way I am right now. Let me become more and better then I am. I hope I will be able to see through this mess I have become.



When I get where I'm going
On the far side off the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck

Yeah when I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm goin
Oh When I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

I heard this saying
over and over
It rings in my mind repeating
over and over
Nothing to fear
Nothing to fear
but fear itself
but fear itself

Then why am I afraid?
over and over
I ask myself
over and over
Why do I cry?
over and over
These tears
over and over
Slide down my face
over and over
Fall hard on your shirt
over and over
Nothing to fear
Nothing to fear
but fear itself
but fear itself

I must repeat these words
over and over
Close my eyes
over and over
Why can't I control my emotions
over and over
This overflows to the point where I cling
over and over
To anything that will hold me up
over and over
I apologize for myself and my words
over and over
The frustration becomes hurt
over and over
But you're still here
Nothing to fear
Nothing to fear
but fear itself
but fear itself

What is my fear you ask
....Alone......to be utterly Alone.....

Austyn Ryan Szari

Yep he is finally here! I am an aunt! born at 1:06am 8 pounds 4 ounces! I got to the hospital at 12:30 yesterday afternoon and spent time my sister, her mom, our dad, Nick, and Brandy's Nana. Then that night Nick's dad came and took me and Nick out to dinner we weren't gone an hour and things started to pick up, so we rushed back to the hospital. Another hour in things slowed down so Nick's dad and I played cards and when Nick's step brother Joseph go there I learn how to play Rummy and got really good at it. It got later and later, but Tim (Branyd's stepdad), Annie (Nick's sister), and Diana ( Nick's stepmom) came and we all waited along with little Anthony who stayed up until right after his little brother was born ( he guessed his brother would be born at 1:02 only 4 minutes off lol). Thanks to energy drinks we all stayed up and were able to hear the news " It's a boy!" lol even though we all knew it. Nick took me back to their house and we both crashed. We got up around 11 and went to the hospital at noon where I was able to hold my nephew for the first time :) He is so small and Brandy is so happy. I love my sister so much and I can't wait for her wedding this fall. I am going back in a few weeks as soon as I have a free weekend, because now that I am old enough to see my sister more I am going to make sure I spend as much time as I can with her, Nick, Anthony, and Austyn. I love my family the end :)

Trying something different

There is a little bit of a lag, which I am going to try to fix

Trying.....

okay so the new semester starts on Inauguration Day....dumb, but anyway I am going to try to do things a little differently this semester. The last time I went home I had a bit of a smack in the face reminder or voice of reason in my life who said this to me that shook me and had me burst into tears " Jessica you aren't Super woman you can't do everything and be there for everybody." As soon as I heard those words it's like something in my mind clicked and I just let it all out....which led me to crying for a few minutes, but it was a needed good cry, to just release everything I been holding back. What started it all was my best friend Kitty....she won't stop smoking or admit she is addicted. Every time I come home its " This is my last one i promise" or " Once I finish this pack no more" But when I went home this time she lied to me twice to my face about it, like I couldn't smell it on her or tell she was lying....it got me so angry the second time she did it I smacked her arm and left her at Food Lion. I was so close to blowing up at her but I didn't want to cause a scene at Food Lion so I left her. It was wrong, but I couldn't stand there and watch her kill herself by smoking cigarettes I have seen too many of my loved ones suffer terrible illnesses or worse die from things cause by cigarettes. I felt so bad for leaving her, but I just knew if I stayed my temper would get the best of me and I would have lost it and that is not a pretty picture at all....to say the least. I texted her boyfriend Ed to make sure she got home okay and then I just sent her one simple text saying " Kitty I love you you are my best friend and I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't care about you and I will always be here for you no matter what please don't ever forget that". I hoped she would get the message and we've talked since then, but not about what happened, so I have kind of let it go for now, because she is in a rough place with a lot of issues that she is having trouble dealing with. She has to figure this out on her own.....I can't do it for her as much as I wish I could, so she wouldn't have be so upset and stressed. All I can do is support her and love her. I just came to realize how much I hate home now, everything is different everyone treats me different. People who I thought I could talk to and count on have blown me off basically saying " I don't give a fuck about you" and that hurts me, because I would never do that to anyone and as stupid as it is I have just broken down over how much I hate home and don't want to be there. I am doing all I can, but its not enough....I can't give enough of myself to these people. I've been told I need to be selfish, because I am sacrificing myself too much and hurting myself too much for people who don't care or pretend to care. I don't know how to be selfish I don't think.....which is a major flaw. I need to figure it out I need to learn to say " No" I have to there is no other way.
*sigh* I am trying to figure everything out trying to solve the puzzle. Like with my bf this is the longest and first good relationship I have been in ever but I am still afraid of certain things, because I am on new and foreign ground. There are certain things I want to ask or say, but I am still afraid of rejection, and I shouldn't be because I love and trust him, so I don't understand why I am so hesitant, ugh I've said this over and over recently....whats is wrong with me? Lol wow why did I laughed at that maybe i should stop focusing so much on what I need to fix about myself and just live my life the best way I know how...maybe then I will stop trying to be "superwoman" and start being just Jessica

What do I have to do???Change?

Okay so I was hit with this I guess....revelation a few minutes ago after thinking about what was discussed last night. Last night I talked to my mom and we fixed everything with both of us taking our stress out on each other. But then something my mom said stuck with me " Jessica you are such a giving person and you just don't realize how much people take advantage of that." She is right I am a giver. I try to help everyone, because I know what it feels like to have someone turn their back on you when you need them. I don't want to be that person that does that to someone else. Gary agreed with my mom and said I need to learn to say no. This also brought about how at school....I don't really know who my true friends are anymore. I thought I did, but I guess I was wrong. It's like now that I am still at Mason and not at home all the time like everyone else I don't matter. That's a little harsh, but it's how I feel honestly right now. I am trying to find a balance trying to see through the areas of Gray but I can't and it scares me. I hate being used, but I also don't want to b a jaded person. I know who my true friends are at home and I talked to one of them, Kitty, about this a little bit already and tonight I will see her and maybe she will make me feel better. Whats wrong with me? I just feel like when I am at Mason the only person I can talk to is Gary, and I feel bad about that because I know he has other friends and other things he needs to do then to just spend time with me. I tried hanging out with someone and spending time with them but it just made things so complicated. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be at home, but I don't want to be at Mason. It's like I feel all alone in a crowded room as cheesy as that sounds. There are people who I want to call and go visit, but why should I if they haven't even tried to contact me or see me? It's like I am hitting a brick wall. This sounds so mean, but why should I waste my time even they don't even seem to want to see me. I know everyone is busy having jobs and seeing there family, but ugh whatevs I don't fucking care anymore I just give up. fuck it. I am going to AHS tonight to see Britt cheer and then I am going to workout maybe I will feel better after I run my body into the ground with the much needed work out.

M.I.A.

So I have been MIA because of the lack of internet service at MAson due to construction. I was also without cable too, so I had to more then once entertain myself by myself. I am at the tail end of a 4 string set of games so that helped pass the time and Gary came up and stayed with me so I wasn't totally by myself. Also the laundry wasn't working as well.....grrr. Luckily Gary and his parents were nice enough to let me do my laundry at their house which I still really appreciate I go home tomorrow for a few days and that will probably be the last time I go home until the new semester starts, sigh. Things at home have gotten so complicated and messed up. I hate not being able to go home and be there for those that need me and fix things.....there is nothing I can do but listen and wait. My mom has been acting so weird recently and I don't know why. She keeps freaking out out over the smallest things and asking me the same questions over and over. Like last night I went to the movies with Betsy after the game and my mom flipped when I told her I Was at Tyson's. She was like " Why are you shopping? How are you paying for all of this" She just accused me of wasting all of the money I have, and I got so pissed. First of all Betsy was nice enough to pay for the movie and dinner last night so none of mom's money was being used, and second of all I HAVE NO MONEY TO SHOP WITH!!!!! I AM NOT THAT STUPID! Even if Betsy wasn't going to pay I have a little bit of my own money I get from the basketball games that I use to go out with my friends. Then she asked me over and over " When are you coming home? When are you working again???" I just wanted to scream! She made me so angry and I tried to tell her in a calm voice AGAIN! Mom I will be home Wednesday night and I won't know when I am working again until I call on Wednesday, because they haven't made the schedule yet...... Then today she was saying she was stressed and I was like mom I love you what's wrong? What's bothering you? She sounded so put off when I asked " Jessica you should know" Is what she said, and I honestly HAVE NO IDEA!!!! I am so AHHHH!!! Right now because my mom is leaving me in the dark. No clues no nothing as to what is bothering her. I can normally tell right away and right now I have no clue *sigh*. I talked to my dad and I kind of snapped at him , but he quickly told me what I was doing so I apologized, because he isn't the one freaking out on me everyday. Besides this two of my friends at home are having serious problems and I have talked to both of them, and I hope I have helped, but I dunno. I just really need to see Kitty and give her a hug she desperately needs. I hope that my mom can chill out and so that I will want to come home, cause right now I want to go to c-ville but not to my house....anywhere but my house. This makes it seem like -0 has started out bad, but not really I promise. I had an amazing night at Fur with Gary on New Year's Eve and so far things besides the issue with my mom are going well. I have a nice job that is working out well, because they are so flexible, and I am making some of my own money finally!!! (not that I will see much of it, because it will be going towards school once the semester starts). Anywho I am off to eat a little something and then get ready for the Women's game tonight hope against hope they win!