Pouring my heart out....to a degree

I am in Pittsburgh! YAY!!!! <3 Christmas went well this year, but like everything thing were bumps in the road. I didn't get to see my sister or aunts and cousins partly because of my uncle being in the hospital, but he did get to go home today :)! Going to Ivor I felt distant and foreign like I wasn't really there. It is no longer the town of my childhood. I went to see Aunt Leah and she didn't remember me and when my mom told her my name she claimed she hadn't seen me since I was 3, but I saw her in October. Seeing her like that struggling to eat and not remembering half the people we talked about made me want to cry to be honest. The Aunt Leah who took me to Dairy Queen and took me on pointless road trips just because is gone. I miss it more than I am willing to say. I miss the summers I spent in Ivor where I would walk across the street to her house and hear Uncle Lenord's war stories or hear him play guitar. She remembers he is gone but not that its been a year and 4 months since his fatal car crash. I miss having sleepovers at Aunt Bernice's where we would play Light Bright, and do puzzle's while eating fresh strawberries. I miss picking Uncle Finnen up in Suffolk and having lunch at Hardee's after his dialysis treatment. I miss going fishing with Gangee and Grandaddy. I miss the big family Christmas dinner. My mom's side of the family is dying year by year month by month the family gets more and more disconnected and smaller. I can't do anything but stand by and bear it. It gets harder every time. Each funeral I weep a little longer, cry a little harder. I miss having my Gangee's house full of people everyone being loud and happy. This Christmas the house seemed a shell, With the tree with only lights no decorations, the house almost empty with just my mom, dad, and me. The tears just fall down my face as I write this. I never would've dreamed I would miss this so much and it would mean so much to me. I long to drive to Aunt Bernice's house and drive down her long drive way again while she danced next to me. I long to have Aunt Leah pull a Kid's meal toy out of her pocket just to see me smile. I want to go to a baseball game and play on the swing set with my sister and didn't mean to write so much about it, but I guess I have kept this locked away and it didn't really hit me how empty one of my childhood towns is until I was there last night. I looked at Aunt Leah's house all dark and empty, it seemed a ghost of what was.I just can't believe they're gone....and they are just the beginning I don't know how I will survive when they are all gone and Ivor is nothing but a memory for me. I guess I will just let the tears fall and put my happy face back on for my family as if nothing is wrong.....Aunt Bernice.....Uncle Finnen,....Uncle Lenord I miss you and love you more than I could ever say please keep watching over my family and I will see you again someday. I treasure my memories of all of you and I hope I can look back and smile over the time we had together instead of cry over the loss of each of you. I'm sorry for such a depressing blog......

I really intended on talking some more about beliefs.....yes I had a religious discussion with my Grandma Estelle tonight that led me to telling my parents that I had been to a few parties (my dad acted surprised, but I quickly gave him "the look" because I know he knew). She went on to say " Make sure to wait till you're married" and I thought.....What? Where did this come into the conversation? It became apparent to me that Grandma Estelle has a staunch believe in waiting till marriage to have sex or live on your own, because she claims "women who live on their own when they are young only want to have sex" and I said " no that's not true", but dropped the subject because I knew it would be pointless to debate with her about it.  Then she went on to say " Kids today think we (as in her generation) didn't have the same problems or desires but we did it's just we had a more strict up bringing" I just shook my head and kept my mouth shut, because I didn't want to upset her or get myself into trouble. I will say this  If you chose to wait that is your choice. I won't make fun or make someone feel bad for making that choice, but I personally feel different about that. I will be with someone I love, and trust. It is no one's business but mine and the person I am with. That is my belief agree with it or not I don't care. I don't push my beliefs on anyone, so I expect to others to do the same. I feel people put too much on it, especially for women it is a hypercritical thing, because it is perfectly okay for guys to sleep around with anyone they want, but girl's get labeled for it. It's wrong, and it needs to change one way or another.  Like I've said before I believe in God and Jesus Christ, and if God damns me to hell for that one thing then he is not the loving God that I believe in, in the first place. Every human sins, but it is those who ask for forgiveness and spread God's message that know God's love, and you know what I feel I do both in my own way. I pray to God to protect those I love and to give me guidance when I can't see my path. I pray to God's to forgive those who have wronged and need a second chance. I tell others to love, not hate through my own words and actions. That is what matters to me, and again you can agree with me or not it is up to you.  I will respect everyone's beliefs as long as they respect mine and that is all I ask. God know my heart and mind he knows that I long to forgive Roy for the pain and destruction he has caused my family. I long for my cousin Tealor to grow up to be a smarter women then her mother. I long to have my father remember his childhood. I long for my Grandma to forgive past mistakes. I long for so many things to make my family happy and better. I don't long to be rich and powerful. I don't long to have millions of dollars. I wish for a happy and healthy life. That is all I have ever wanted in this one life I get, hoe ever long it is. I have seen too many be taken swiftly and suddenly to want and desire so much from the material world. If those deaths have taught me anything it has taught me to see how quick life goes and how things can change in an instant, so keep those you love chose and keep God's word close to your heart, whatever you believe it is. Again sorry for the repeat and the long depressing blog, but I feel much better now, so I think I am going to go watch some football with my Grandpa John and my daddy :)