Goodbye 2008

It is the last day of 2008 and what a year it has been for me. I have grown in so many ways, but I still have a ways to go. I am no longer the naive child I was in high school. I am still a loving, honest, and helpful person, but my eyes have been opened to the tricks of the world, and it would sound terrible if I said I was jaded, because I don't feel I am. I feel like I have learned what to look out for and also I see how much this world needs people to help others, be kind and loving. 2009 will bring me my nephew and my sister can't wait and neither can I! I have lost a lot these past few years, but I have gained so much as well. I know I've said this already once in an older post, but THANK YOU! To so many, my family for sticking by me and always being a foundation for me to rely on no matter what. To my friends, Kitty, Brittany, Caroline, Veronica, Katie, Lauren, Loren, R.J., you guys have always been there for me and continue to do so even though we are all off at our own schools and growing in our own ways. I say this all the time but I really mean it my family and friends are the most important thing to me, and I will do anything and everything I can to help those I love. This year I finally made the decision to have music as my living. It has not been easy for me, but my love for music fuels me everyday and reminds me how important music is to my life and how much it can mean to someone else if they have some to guide them and teach them. God gave me this gift and this talent how little or unremarkable it may seem to others it is apart of me and my life and I will not waste it. Another thank you to God for looking out for me and my loved ones this year. These last few years have been rough on my family and this year I feel the my family has become closer through losses we have endured. I have reconnected with you and I don't want to turn my back on my beliefs and the foundations of my life again. Tonight I will being truly celebrating New Year's Eve for the first time by going out with Gary. I have to say this too nPLEASE BE SAFE! I don't want to have wake up to only have another picture to put on my wall along with all my memories of you, so please be safe and have fun :). Goodbye 2008 what a year its been and I wouldn't change a thing! Here I come 2009! :)

Pittsburgh so far :D

I feel a lot better since my last post and I had a revaluation of sorts when talking to Caroline the other day....I sound super depressed a lot of the times when I write these blogs, but what's ironic is I am one of the happiest people I know lol. I guess this is something I use to get things off my chest, unedited and unfiltered. I just say it how it is and if someone doesn't like it then they don't have to read it.

Any who I am still in Pittsburgh and since my last post I go to see my Great Great Aunt who is 98, not 99 like I thought I got my years mixed up. You see every time I have asked Aunt Paulie when she was born she gives me different years....on purpose. She doesn't really want people to know how old she really is, which is kind of funny to me, but hey she is just a such a goof so funny and full of life. It's weird seeing her in a nursing home now though, because it has definitely changed her. Her house is like a museum with original Tiffany lamps to original Humels (German figurines) She has so many portraits and gorgeous china I loved walking through her house and she loves showing everything. She every has a grandfather clock that is so big they had to cut the ceiling to make it fit :p. She can't walk any more so she stays in her wheel chair. She has changed a lot since i last saw her, but she still has that sparkle in her eye and even when she is confused she is quick witted. Last night was not one of her better nights though her thought process came and went, but at 98 with everything she remembers and knows I would get confused right now let a lone at her age. After visiting her we went back to Grandpa's house and Gary has now met 4 out of 8 grandparents even if only electronically. My Grandma Estelle was amazed at us video chatting and my Grandpa John thought it was pretty neat and had me explain everything to him. They aren't like my Gangee and Grandaddy who couldn't turn on a computer and type their name if you asked them. They want to learn and figure out how to use the technology available to them especially my Grandpa John.

Every time I visit I learn something new about my Grandpa like just yesterday he told me he played the saxophone and still had his but hadn't played it in years. I told him if he didn't want it and it was still playable I would definitely use it. He said he wasn't sure, because it was really old, but sure enough he pulled it out and played a little on it, but one key doesn't close all the way and I am sure it needs new pads, but I will take it back to Mason with me and get it looked at before school starts :).

Today I went to Mass with my grandparents and it was nice to pray and sing hymns and hear some of the scripture I had heard since I was a child but Catholicism is not my favorite branch of Christianity for a lot of reasons. From a historical stand point and from a beliefs one. I've talked to Gary about this but I'll say it here too. I feel Catholicism is all about don't and can't. Don't do this its a sin or you can't do that or you won't go to heaven. You have 7 sacraments you have to do or else kind of thing. I feel it's all about how evil humanity is and how humans can't do anything right everything we do is a sin (if this is true then how are we God's vision? God made us why would he make us evil and complete sinners?) and I also don't agree with confession for example my Grandpa did not take communion this Sunday and I asked why he said " I missed a holy day and I missed two Sundays, so I have to go to confession first" I said " You were sick though Grandpa. God knows you weren't well you shouldn't have to confess that in order to take communion." He said " I'll feel better if I do." I just let it go, but I wanted to say you shouldn't feel guilty over something you had no control over, and why oh why do you need a priest to talk to God for you? You are fully capable human being with your own voice, so if you have sinned or feel you have tell God yourself. Don't tell a priest who is human and no matter what anyone claims will judge you in some manner for whatever it is you have or haven't done. Then something else that bothered me was my Grandma wouldn't let my mom take communion with her. Communion is communion no matter what branch of Christianity it is, so it shouldn't matter. My Grandma went on about the things you had to do to become Catholic first and I just kept my mouth shut. She is very devout and I have found it is best to just not saying anything, smile and agree to save yourself and her the trouble. I love her don't get me wrong, but I get very frustrated when I know I can't voice my opinion, because if you know me at all I will debate with you until I am blue in the face, lol that might be a flaw of mine, but hey no one is perfect.
Today was football day in this house, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to watch my beloved Redskins play I wore my Washington shirt (given to me by Gary on my birthday) and my Clinton Portis jersey (given to me by santa for christmas :D ) I watched the Steelers crush the Browns (No surprise) and the Eagles cream the Cowboys ( hahahaha! [oops sorry couldn't help myself] :P ). I am glad to be here visiting family but I am not going to lie I miss home and I miss Mason....well not really Mason but those that are there. I miss my cheerleading squad, I miss Kitty, and Brittany. I miss my sisters, and my dog Fern and my cat Kisa. I miss Caroline and I miss Gary. I'll be back at Mason before I know it spending nights in my dorm alone wanting to be back here or at home, so what can I say? I should just be happy I am here while I am here lol.
Tomorrow I will get to see my cousins for the first time since I met them two years ago. I am excited to see Olivia, Chris and Paulia-Jean again :) I will talk about that next time I guess, off I go to read some I suppose or find something to do cause everyone is asleep except me lol.

Pouring my heart out....to a degree

I am in Pittsburgh! YAY!!!! <3 Christmas went well this year, but like everything thing were bumps in the road. I didn't get to see my sister or aunts and cousins partly because of my uncle being in the hospital, but he did get to go home today :)! Going to Ivor I felt distant and foreign like I wasn't really there. It is no longer the town of my childhood. I went to see Aunt Leah and she didn't remember me and when my mom told her my name she claimed she hadn't seen me since I was 3, but I saw her in October. Seeing her like that struggling to eat and not remembering half the people we talked about made me want to cry to be honest. The Aunt Leah who took me to Dairy Queen and took me on pointless road trips just because is gone. I miss it more than I am willing to say. I miss the summers I spent in Ivor where I would walk across the street to her house and hear Uncle Lenord's war stories or hear him play guitar. She remembers he is gone but not that its been a year and 4 months since his fatal car crash. I miss having sleepovers at Aunt Bernice's where we would play Light Bright, and do puzzle's while eating fresh strawberries. I miss picking Uncle Finnen up in Suffolk and having lunch at Hardee's after his dialysis treatment. I miss going fishing with Gangee and Grandaddy. I miss the big family Christmas dinner. My mom's side of the family is dying year by year month by month the family gets more and more disconnected and smaller. I can't do anything but stand by and bear it. It gets harder every time. Each funeral I weep a little longer, cry a little harder. I miss having my Gangee's house full of people everyone being loud and happy. This Christmas the house seemed a shell, With the tree with only lights no decorations, the house almost empty with just my mom, dad, and me. The tears just fall down my face as I write this. I never would've dreamed I would miss this so much and it would mean so much to me. I long to drive to Aunt Bernice's house and drive down her long drive way again while she danced next to me. I long to have Aunt Leah pull a Kid's meal toy out of her pocket just to see me smile. I want to go to a baseball game and play on the swing set with my sister and didn't mean to write so much about it, but I guess I have kept this locked away and it didn't really hit me how empty one of my childhood towns is until I was there last night. I looked at Aunt Leah's house all dark and empty, it seemed a ghost of what was.I just can't believe they're gone....and they are just the beginning I don't know how I will survive when they are all gone and Ivor is nothing but a memory for me. I guess I will just let the tears fall and put my happy face back on for my family as if nothing is wrong.....Aunt Bernice.....Uncle Finnen,....Uncle Lenord I miss you and love you more than I could ever say please keep watching over my family and I will see you again someday. I treasure my memories of all of you and I hope I can look back and smile over the time we had together instead of cry over the loss of each of you. I'm sorry for such a depressing blog......

I really intended on talking some more about beliefs.....yes I had a religious discussion with my Grandma Estelle tonight that led me to telling my parents that I had been to a few parties (my dad acted surprised, but I quickly gave him "the look" because I know he knew). She went on to say " Make sure to wait till you're married" and I thought.....What? Where did this come into the conversation? It became apparent to me that Grandma Estelle has a staunch believe in waiting till marriage to have sex or live on your own, because she claims "women who live on their own when they are young only want to have sex" and I said " no that's not true", but dropped the subject because I knew it would be pointless to debate with her about it.  Then she went on to say " Kids today think we (as in her generation) didn't have the same problems or desires but we did it's just we had a more strict up bringing" I just shook my head and kept my mouth shut, because I didn't want to upset her or get myself into trouble. I will say this  If you chose to wait that is your choice. I won't make fun or make someone feel bad for making that choice, but I personally feel different about that. I will be with someone I love, and trust. It is no one's business but mine and the person I am with. That is my belief agree with it or not I don't care. I don't push my beliefs on anyone, so I expect to others to do the same. I feel people put too much on it, especially for women it is a hypercritical thing, because it is perfectly okay for guys to sleep around with anyone they want, but girl's get labeled for it. It's wrong, and it needs to change one way or another.  Like I've said before I believe in God and Jesus Christ, and if God damns me to hell for that one thing then he is not the loving God that I believe in, in the first place. Every human sins, but it is those who ask for forgiveness and spread God's message that know God's love, and you know what I feel I do both in my own way. I pray to God to protect those I love and to give me guidance when I can't see my path. I pray to God's to forgive those who have wronged and need a second chance. I tell others to love, not hate through my own words and actions. That is what matters to me, and again you can agree with me or not it is up to you.  I will respect everyone's beliefs as long as they respect mine and that is all I ask. God know my heart and mind he knows that I long to forgive Roy for the pain and destruction he has caused my family. I long for my cousin Tealor to grow up to be a smarter women then her mother. I long to have my father remember his childhood. I long for my Grandma to forgive past mistakes. I long for so many things to make my family happy and better. I don't long to be rich and powerful. I don't long to have millions of dollars. I wish for a happy and healthy life. That is all I have ever wanted in this one life I get, hoe ever long it is. I have seen too many be taken swiftly and suddenly to want and desire so much from the material world. If those deaths have taught me anything it has taught me to see how quick life goes and how things can change in an instant, so keep those you love chose and keep God's word close to your heart, whatever you believe it is. Again sorry for the repeat and the long depressing blog, but I feel much better now, so I think I am going to go watch some football with my Grandpa John and my daddy :)

Tis the season

It is Christmas Eve and I am at home...thank the lord :) waiting on my mom and sister to get home from work so my family can begin our Christmas Eve traditions of first watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas (we watch both version usually alternating each year) the Jim Carey version this year, and then every year right before we all go to bed we each open one present. Ashley and I usually get movies, my dad always gets something Grinch (we own more Grinch collectors stuff then anyone else I know) , and my mom gets a cd or movie. It's just something fun we have always done. One of my favorite family traditions it the present under the couch, lol. It sounds really random and it is :). One year my mom forgot a present for me and my sister when we were really young, so she quickly had dad distract us while she ran and got them and then hid them under our family couch. Every year since there is always one small present under the couch that is unwrapped that my sister and I get last. Each it varies one year it was a cd, another year it was a t-shirt, and last year it was tickets to see Micheal Buble in concert :). Last year I was really really sick Christmas eve and Christmas day. I had strep and my fever didn't break until late Christmas morning so I was miserable all day which really sucked because I wanted to really enjoy Christmas but I couldn't because I felt so bad. I am so happy this year I am not sick and can really enjoy my time with my family. Speaking of, tomorrow is all about family for me. My family unlike most of my friends and people I know do not stay home all day for Christmas. Our Christmas day goes as follows....wake up, open presents and goof around with the pets, mom, dad, and sister. Then get dressed and pack up the family presents and on the road we go. Normally we go straight to Newport News where my great Aunt Joanne lives. There is were I see my dad's side of the family my Grandma,Grandpa, Uncle Mark, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Jeanette, and Cousins Tealor and Britney. This year how ever we are going to Mechanicsville first to see my sister and her now fiance! That's right Nick proposed to my sister!!!! I am super excited!!! Nick will be my brother-in-law and Annie will be my sister-in-law and I will officially be Anthony's Aunt! :) Austyn will be born soon and I am so excited for my sister it's just amazing :). Also something else that is different this year is that my uncle Mark, Aunt Kathy, and cousin Britney will not be coming to Aunt Joanne's, because my uncle is in the hospital :( . He has a severe blood clot in his leg that will not dissolve. They have worked on it and worked on it, but this one will not go away like the other one. I don't really know what is going to happen next, so I just pray that he is not in any pain and it will be fixed quickly. He hasn't had the best care at this hospital either from what I have been told, and that angers me, especially since my mom and dad know what is suppose to happen for him and it isn't happening...it's extremely frustrating. Anyway after the hospital visit we will got o Newport News and have Christmas lunch with my dad's family. Then we will drive to Ivor and have Christmas dinner with my Gangee, Grandaddy, my 2nd cousins Lynn, Glenn, Lynn(the other Lynn's wife), Sheryl (Glenn's wife), Frankie, Gerald, Roland (and the list just keeps going with 2nd cousins), my3rd cousins Austin , Nathan, Jordan, ect, Ant Alice, and lord all the other relatives on my mom's side and whoever else shows up. There used to be more, but sadly the past fews years have not been to great for my mom's family and quite a few relatives have passed on like Uncle Finnin, Aunt Bernice, Uncle Lenord, Nellie, Dimsey, and Novey. I love them and miss them a lot especially Aunt Bernice, this was her favorite time of year and she would always make her fruit cake and bring it Gangee's house along with some strawberries if she had any left in her freezer just for me. I love you Aunt Bernice and hope you can see your sons and granddaughters and how they are just growing up so fast :). I hope that my Aunt Leah is there this year....things have been.....rough for her since Uncle Lenord died. Her Alzheimer's is getting worse and worse even though its still in its early stages. She constantly thinks I am in middle school still, but still remembers my name and who I am and that whats important. I know one day her mind will be completely gone and she won't remember me at all anymore, but I will hold on to what I have while I can. She lives in a nursing home now, because no one can treat her on their own. It sounds terrible, but my Aunt Becky works at the nursing home and looks out for her and checks up on her everyday. Anyway we have Christmas dinner with my mom's giant family and a few more gifts are exchanged, but eventually we have to leave and head back to Charlottesville. Normally that would our entire Christmas travels, but not this year, because on the 26th mom, dad, and I are going to Pittsburgh to see my Grandpa John, Grandma Estelle, Great Aunt Annie, Great Great Aunt Paulie, and hopefully my cousins Olivia, and Chris and their mom Paulia-Jean :). It will be really cold, but so worth it. The last time I went over Christmas break it was just dad and I when I was a junior in high school. It takes about six hours to get there so I will be catching up on my reading that I have been neglecting due this thing called college....lol.
Now that I have talked about what I do on Christmas I just have a few things....I feel I need to say. This has been....a roller coaster year for me with many ups and downs. 2008 did not start off well at all, but as the year progressed I came to realize many things about me, my life, and my beliefs. I grew up to put it bluntly. I graduated high school, began to really become an adult, and have really begun the transition to adult life. I gained new friends and lost friends both physically and mentally. I re-establish my relationship with God. I am coming back to MY faith I had as child, and do not want to cast it aside again. I believe in the Lord and Jesus Christ. I believe in God's message of Love, Honesty, and Trust. Those are three things are so vitally important to me and my life. I value my friends and family more than ever before and strive to do all I can for those I love and care about. I strive to become a better person. I strive to not put myself down so much, to be okay with imperfection, to give myself seconds chances and know it is okay to not get something the first time. I strive for kindness, love and forgiveness for myself for whatever wrongs I have done. I am so content with my life and ready for 2009. I have a huge family that loves me and supports me no matter what, I have friends that protect me, and help me whenever I can't stand on my own. I have a loving boy-friend that supports me and pushes me to be and do all I can. What more can I ask for? I don't need anything else. All the material gifts will break, or get thrown away at some point, because thats all they are material. What I have can't disappear, and can't be measured. It is what really matters in life and what Christmas is really all about. Those you love and holding them close. It gives you the chance to say " I love you" if you haven't said it enough. The chance to show kindness to those you might have been cruel too. The to spread love and kindness instead of hate and greed. With that I will say Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.

It's been awhile...

since I've been home lol sorry I love that song. Though it has been awhile since I last posted, mainly because I have been busy. The road trip home was much needed and I am so glad Gary came with me. My sister Brandy is so ready to have her baby and I think my nephew is going to be born early but we will see. My Grandaddy's surgery went well, but things aren't getting better yet, hopefully in the next few days it will. I went back to my high school and it was weird being there again. I miss it a lot some days. I loved high school so much which is weird considering how many people hate high school. The stay home went by so fast and before I knew it Gary and I were back on the road back to Nova.....at least my dad played guitar and we all (Gary, me and my dad) had a jam session....well mostly them I just sang every once and awhile. I think Gary wants to steal my pets lol he was playing with Fern and petting my cats like every five minutes, but hey he doesn't have any pets so I understand.  I had practice tuesday and wednesday, but thursday was free so I went to Gary's house and hung out with his family which was nice. Its weird how close yet so far away he lives. It was nice to have some time to just relax and not have to worry about anything. That didn't last long because today I had to go christmas shopping and then I found out two of my uncles are in the hospital and my Grandpa John is  sick as well. I hope he gets better so we can still visit him after christmas. I would write more but I have a long day tomorrow so off I go to get ready for bed and get a good night sleep. 

A little thank you

I got out of practice early today which was nice, so now I am waiting for Ike's to open so I can get dinner. After dinner I am finishing my last history paper! Then I am done for the whole semester whoo hoo! 

On that note let me just say thank you to a few people. Thank you Caroline for everything you've done for me this semester. Who would've thought sitting next to you a few times in choir would get me a new best friend and twinner for life :). We've become so close in such a short amount of time and I wouldn't have it any other way.We always manage to have a good time and laugh about ourselves more then anything else and it so much fun :P. I can't wait to have more girl nights and spend some time with you in Harrisonburg :).  Thank you to my parents for listening to me cry to them at all hours of the night, and always being voices of reason when I can't think straight. Thank you to my best friend Kitty for being strong for me when I couldn't be and for being there for me even though we couldn't physical be there for one another. Last but definitely not least is Gary. Thank you so much! You said this the other day smiling and joking"Jessica what would you've done with out me?" You know what its true I would've been so screwed. You saved my butt more times then I can count and I am forever grateful for it. I've had a few roughs days here and there this semester and you were always there. You always calmed me down, you let me cry to you, and yell to you when I felt no one else would listen.  You are someone I know I can trust and depend on when I can't stand on my own anymore. I just hope you  know how thankful I am that I met you and that we are as close as we are. Caroline, and you have both been there for me and I can't say I thank you enough. I love you both so much and I hope you know that. Here is too a wonderful holiday break and an amazing Christmas. I am so thankful and blessed to have the people I have in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you God for your blessings and may they continue.

Love always and forever

Jessica Michelle Berg

Pressure and Stress

Two things I do to my self constantly.....why? It does nothing but hurt me, so why do I do it? Normally people feel stress and pressure from outside forces like your family, friends, school, work. For me I do it to myself. Example......tonight I went to practice for my juries which are tomorrow I sat down at the piano and called my dad just to chat for second. I just let it all out to him. Saying "Dad I am terrified of failing my Math final, I might have to retake sight singing I. I feel so behind, I want to graduate in 4 years but its not gonna happen. I don't want to let the family down. I want you to be proud of me, not disappointed. I don't want to fail." My dad through all of that said "Jessica calm down everything will be okay. I want you to enjoy college. You are getting to do something I never got to do, so enjoy yourself.  We won't be disappointed in you. Its okay if it takes you longer.  Sometimes you don't thing the first try, its okay to repeat something." I just got so worked up I almost cried so I just said "Thanks dad I love you" and hung up the phone because I didn't want my dad to hear me cry, cause I didn't want him to worry about me. I tried to calm down and I couldn't do it. I started stressing really bad. I called Gary and just said "Please help me calm down I feel so stressed right now I am so scared of failing." Of course he was like my dad a voice of reason saying "Jessica you'll be okay you are ready for your finals you'll be okay." After I cried I felt better, my body used a natural stress reliever which really helped except it messed up my make-up. I just have to figure out how to not put so much pressure on myself, I guess I have been this way my whole life, but I don't know where it came from, and I feel like it is really hurting me right now. I just wish it would go away. Well I am off to write a history paper and then bed so I can get a good night sleep before my juries tomorrow afternoon. 

Running on empty

My Holiday concert was tonight and even though my parents weren't there I sang my heart out for them.  My parents are working so hard for me and our family that even though I was sad that they couldn't come I understood completely and just told them I loved them and that is was okay. I love singing Christmas music, because it just makes me so happy and lifts my mood every time.  

I am not going to lie I feel constantly tired recently and I can't stand it. I feel like I am running on empty and I am barely getting by. During the day I feel fine, but at night I crash every time without fail. I am going to try to go to bed before midnight, but my roommate has a friend over and they are watching a movie, but I am so tired that I am sure as soon as my head hits the pillow I am out. Tomorrow I am getting up and studying for sighting singing, juries, math, and history till my Lab Band concert at 7 at Harris Theater......if you're not doing anything tomorrow night (which is highly unlikely) come listen to the lab band.  Tonight at the concert my friend Talisha gave me a drawing of myself for x-mas. It looks just like me it is sooo cute! I love it <3. 

I know I've said this like three times already but next Sunday will not get here fast enough!!! I can't wait to see my sisters, mom, dad, Gangee, Grandaddy, Brittany, Kitty, Mrs. Morris, and everyone else in C-ville. Gary is coming with me too so it should be an awesome road trip going from Fairfax to Mechanicsville, to Charlottesville in one day whoo hoo! Well I am going to get ready for bed I can't keep my eyes open anymore.....I hope I feel better tomorrow

Exhaustion

Earlier today I just vented and everything is all good now :) but I will say I am so tired. Physically and mentally I am getting close to my breaking point and I know it. I have to make it through finals I have too. I'll do whatever I need to do to get the best grade possible. I am currently cleaning my dorm room and then I am going to bed early tonight so that I can just let my body and mind rest. I feel so crappy and I can't afford to get sick. It would be just my luck to get sick for juries and finals......ugh not gonna happen. I can't wait to go home next sunday. I miss my sisters so much. My Grandaddy is getting his gallbladder removed on Monday so my grandparents will be at my house too :). I hope his surgery goes well and he recovers quickly.  He is not in the best health so anything to make him healthy again is good. Well I need to finish cleaning, so before I go. MAKE SURE TO STAY HEALTHY AND SAFE OVER YOUR HOLIDAY BREAK :)

Honesty

That is one of the most important things to me, and if you don't know that about me then you don't know me well enough. Let me just say this......I hate liars,  cheaters, fakes, and manipulators. If you are one of those things get out of my life period. I can't stand you and I don't know why you would treat people that way, and like I've said before I am not a door mat anymore YOU CAN'T WALK ALL OVER ME. I am who I am like it or not. Be honest with me and tell me the truth. It might hurt my feelings but I will get over it. I would rather people be honest and tell me how they really feel then live a lie to the point where they can't get out of it. I am honest with people you ask me what I think I will tell you in the nicest way possible, because I don't like hurting others. I want people in my life who are honest, trustworthy, and people I know I can depend on. Those are the things I try to be for others and I feel that it is not too much to ask for the same in return. Is it really that hard? Really, I think its harder to lie or keep a secret. I've done it and it kills me. I hate it and I have beaten myself up over it many times, because I feel like a worthless person. That is why I don't do it anymore. I know I put myself out there and risk a lot being honest and open with people, but I'd rather live that way in a shell pretending and hiding. I play the game of life in a risking way, in that I risk myself a lot, and I know this. Others tell me not to but I known the consequences if I get burned. You know what yeah I can get hurt, and if I do I will cry, but I am a stronger person who can pick up her life if I have too. The world will not come to an end. The world does not revolve around me or my chances/issues/problems. I have to deal with them and fix them. When I die the world will keep spinning, so I just have to live my life the best way I know how, and this is what I was brought up to believe and this is how I live my life. Most people are concerned with me becoming jaded, and I will say this I will do my best to prevent that because I hate being that way. Anyway I ranted a little bit and now I feel a little better off to study for exams.

Let me make my own decisions....please

Okay so the title kind of says it all. Recently a lot of people have been coming to me all worried about me and the choices I have made. I know the risks and I know the chances I am taking. I have thought about these choices for a while and my heart tells me I am making the right ones. I am listening to my heart fully for probably the first time ever and it is such a wonderful feeling.  I will be okay guys, I promise. I can't be afraid anymore, and I can't just stand by and think of possibilities, the what if and could haves. I might get burned, but it is better to be burned then to never feel at all or risk anything at all. I know it cause these people care about me and want what they think is best for me. It's okay guys I am a growing women and have to do things on my own. I have risk something to get something worth while, and if you don't agree with my risks I am sorry, but you're not me.  I have to stand by my beliefs, and goals, so if you don't agree with them I am sorry they aren't changing. I am who I am take me or leave me. I  love my friends I know they are doing this cause they care and that means a lot to me, so please don't take this as me saying shut up, but I am just defending my choices and standing strong by them. 

In other news I went to court today and was rescheduled for March 23...great. I have to wait to get this simple accident resolved, ugh what a pain. The only good thing was I got to see my dad and we had breakfast together today which was very nice to just sit and relax together. I also showed him so of the PAB and introduced him to some of my other friends at school while saying hi to others he already knew. He will be graduating for ODU this December with his Bachelors in Business/Management and I couldn't be more proud of him. He started going back to school when I was in 5th grade and he got his Associates when I was in 8th grade, so now as I am beginning college he is finishing. It has been a long broken road for him, but he did it. At 50 he will have a college degree and the ability to achieve more of his goals and dreams. He just never quite and never gave up, even with all the obstacles in the way. I can't wait to see him diploma. He and my mom both graduates in the same year, both with their own college diplomas. It just proves it doesn't matter how old you are if you want that education you can get. You just have be willing to work for it, and really earn it.

Ahh well I have gone off on another tangent accidentally, but hey it happens. I can't wait til I go home again, because I will get to see my sister Brandy and that will be the last time I see her probably until she gives birth to my nephew. Also I plan to visit my high school and say hello to some missed teachers and friends. I love that place, and I always will :). I have to get through finals first so off I go to study!