Have you ever wanted to shut out the world and shut your mind out as well? Has life become such an unclear place that you're not sure you want to wake up in the morning to face the world? Well that's how I feel right now.....I have never felt so unsure of myself and of my life. Where has Jessica gone? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror? This is not me. Jessica has never doubted her dreams, goals, or purpose in life before. Jessica doesn't cry every week. Jessica isn't extremely emotional or get jealous, angry, and upset all at the same time. Jessica is a loving girl who works hard to be the best person she can. Jessica is a helper and doer. Jessica smiles and laughs everyday all day. Jessica doesn't get sick every month. I just keep crying, is life to hard for me? Am I not strong enough for this world? I am a firm believer that God won't give you anything you can't handle and there is a reason for everything, but Lord what is this for? Why am I so sad? Am I becoming a jaded person? Has my world become so shattered that I can't fix it? I am so self conscious of myself and of my voice. I have always thought I'd had at least some talent or I wouldn't have made it this far, but do I really? I was never one of those people that would show off and brag about themselves or their talent. I don't fish for compliments either, because its not worth anything unless it is given genuinely. I don't know if its because I am suddenly surrounded by very very talented people that I am suddenly feeling jealous and terrible about my own place musically. It doesn't help that some people when I do sing just for fun in the car or whenever a song I know is heard tell my suddenly to stop. It makes me think I sound bad or they don't like the way I sing. I know there are certain times you shouldn't sing and so forth but honestly as stupid as it sounds that gets to me. Even if this person said they were joking it hurts......so please ask me nicely if you don't want to me sing and I won't. Some who read this will say I am too sensitive and take things too seriously well to those somethings I don't think at are funny or a joke so too bad. I have always been in someone else's shadow and I guess I will forever remain there. Why not I should be used to it by now. Should i stop singing? I can't believe I just asked that but I did. I can't imagine my life without music and without me singing everyday of my life but if that made things better maybe I should. I talked to Gary some about this and he says I am in a rough spot and I have lost my confidence and I said if that is true if I am broken in a way why is he still with me. Then he said something that has stuck with me. " I believe you can get through this, and I won't give up on you" That means so much to me and is so important to me. I can't really explain it, but the fact he said that means a lot.
Now the reason for my title is this song which the lyrics are posted at the bottom. I heard this song for the first time in a long time last night and I cried, but a happy cry. It made me think of my Aunt Michele and how no matter how many years pass one day I will see her again, and that this life is hard, but for a reason and you are never truly alone, because God is always with you even if you forget. This also says the truth for me at least when I pass on I don't want people to cry. I want them to smile. Smile about our memories together, about the life I lived no matter how long or short it is. if there are tears they should be tears of joy that I am in a better place and can watch those I love keep living a successful life. Well my tears have dried and I still have a lot to do tonight before I go to bed and work in the morning. Lord please give me guidance to see and understand why I am the way I am right now. Let me become more and better then I am. I hope I will be able to see through this mess I have become.
When I get where I'm going
On the far side off the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly
I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
Yeah when I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here
I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck
Yeah when I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here
So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do
But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm goin
Oh When I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
jessaaa.. :(
i'm so sad to see you fall apart, but i KNOW how resillient and tenacious you are. you won't give up :) and you know if you've got your focus where it needs to be (on God) He will NEVER let you down.. but sometimes He will give you some tough love as you learn life lessons :P i know it's hard. i was actually whining last night to someone about my little light tiny sounding voice because i'd been singing with people who have these insanely amazing dramatic voices and nearly went hoarse trying to hear myself... but then i went home and read a few chapters of Exodus and Matthew--- and i realized how much i have to be GRATEFUL for!! and how if this is where God wants me & what He wants me to do, i've got to find a way to sing with MY voice and to see it as a GIFT from Him and He doesn't want me to put it on a shelf, He wants to hear me sing for Him :) it's a LOOONG process. you've gotta stick at it and work hard, ignoring the people who tell you negative things and focusing on what you CAN do right now. the rest will come in time. :) I LOVE YOUU <3
Post a Comment