Trying.....

okay so the new semester starts on Inauguration Day....dumb, but anyway I am going to try to do things a little differently this semester. The last time I went home I had a bit of a smack in the face reminder or voice of reason in my life who said this to me that shook me and had me burst into tears " Jessica you aren't Super woman you can't do everything and be there for everybody." As soon as I heard those words it's like something in my mind clicked and I just let it all out....which led me to crying for a few minutes, but it was a needed good cry, to just release everything I been holding back. What started it all was my best friend Kitty....she won't stop smoking or admit she is addicted. Every time I come home its " This is my last one i promise" or " Once I finish this pack no more" But when I went home this time she lied to me twice to my face about it, like I couldn't smell it on her or tell she was lying....it got me so angry the second time she did it I smacked her arm and left her at Food Lion. I was so close to blowing up at her but I didn't want to cause a scene at Food Lion so I left her. It was wrong, but I couldn't stand there and watch her kill herself by smoking cigarettes I have seen too many of my loved ones suffer terrible illnesses or worse die from things cause by cigarettes. I felt so bad for leaving her, but I just knew if I stayed my temper would get the best of me and I would have lost it and that is not a pretty picture at all....to say the least. I texted her boyfriend Ed to make sure she got home okay and then I just sent her one simple text saying " Kitty I love you you are my best friend and I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't care about you and I will always be here for you no matter what please don't ever forget that". I hoped she would get the message and we've talked since then, but not about what happened, so I have kind of let it go for now, because she is in a rough place with a lot of issues that she is having trouble dealing with. She has to figure this out on her own.....I can't do it for her as much as I wish I could, so she wouldn't have be so upset and stressed. All I can do is support her and love her. I just came to realize how much I hate home now, everything is different everyone treats me different. People who I thought I could talk to and count on have blown me off basically saying " I don't give a fuck about you" and that hurts me, because I would never do that to anyone and as stupid as it is I have just broken down over how much I hate home and don't want to be there. I am doing all I can, but its not enough....I can't give enough of myself to these people. I've been told I need to be selfish, because I am sacrificing myself too much and hurting myself too much for people who don't care or pretend to care. I don't know how to be selfish I don't think.....which is a major flaw. I need to figure it out I need to learn to say " No" I have to there is no other way.
*sigh* I am trying to figure everything out trying to solve the puzzle. Like with my bf this is the longest and first good relationship I have been in ever but I am still afraid of certain things, because I am on new and foreign ground. There are certain things I want to ask or say, but I am still afraid of rejection, and I shouldn't be because I love and trust him, so I don't understand why I am so hesitant, ugh I've said this over and over recently....whats is wrong with me? Lol wow why did I laughed at that maybe i should stop focusing so much on what I need to fix about myself and just live my life the best way I know how...maybe then I will stop trying to be "superwoman" and start being just Jessica