Shutting Out the World

This has been just along rut that I can not seem to get out of.......AND I HATE IT! I finally figured out what is wrong with me. I am depressed. This has happened once before and everything is pretty much the same. I am never hungry, so I don't eat....I get upset over the stupidest things, and cry a lot. I feel alone and bothered at the same time.  I am trying so hard to keep up my happy cheerful self by it is wearing thin, so when people ask if I am okay I just lie and say I am tired. I will figure this out and climb out okay, but I just have to once again deal with my life a step at a time. 

I was excited for next weekend, because I was going to see my sister Brandy and go to her baby shower for my future nephew lil Austyn.  Then I was reminded I had tumbling practice the same day from 2-5pm for nationals taping.......I just started crying. I called my sister in tears apologizing for having to miss her baby shower, and I told her I missed her so much. I haven't seen her in months and I need her right now.  She told me it was okay and that she loved me and understood I was having a hard time right now and she wouldn't be going anywhere and I could see her anytime. I am almost positive I am going to drive down to see her tomorrow evening once I get out of class. 

I then called my dad, because I needed him to know I wouldn't be going so I would have to give Brandy her gift later. I told him how I've had a bad week, and I am going go see Brandy on friday and he says "You aren't going anywhere." I got so angry I yelled at him " Dad I am all the way at school how are you going to tell me where I can and can't go." Of course he pointed out that he and my mom do pay for gas, but I was still angry saying " You can't prevent me from seeing my sister." I told him I would call him later and shortly after my mom called all worried. I love my parents I really do, but I feel it is time I don't tell them everything and rely on them so much. I am an adult and need to start dealing with things on my own.  I hate this so much, I can't even describe it. I am wasting so much energy and time on feelings and things I shouldn't, but I can't help it as stupid as it sounds. 

I just want so bad to stop crying and feeling hurt.  Everyone tells me " Jessica you are so beautiful, nice, sweet, and you are such a wonderful person. You deserve the best." Things like that, and I keep thinking is all of this is true then way does all the bad shit keep happening to me? Why do I keep getting taken advantage of? Why do I keep getting hurt? I the best for others and I want everyone to be happy especially those I love and care about. Is this causing me to sell myself short? Am I sacrificing myself for others? Am I being to selfless?? I wish I knew the answers, but I don't.  My friends have really been there for me and they including my sister don't like one person in my life, but without them I would've fallen apart. Being far away from those closest to me have made it hard recently and they have been there to listen and let me yell and cry even when it was at them.  This person has become my best friend at school. They have hurt me, but I have forgiven them, because I know that was never their intention. I hope that they value our friendship as much as I do. Another person I have come to love as a sister is my friend Caroline. We joke around and say we're twins cause we're so similar lol.  She can always make me smile and I know I can trust her with anything I tell her or confide in her, and recently that means a lot to me. Well this has become a long blog that has taken me over an hour to type, so update soon........I can't wait to be happy again.