I am sitting here folding clothes and listening to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and if you have never heard any of their music, you should go online and look them up now. I am dead serious their music is amazing. They are known for their Christmas music but they have made other music as well. I saw them in Richmond last year with my family it was amazing to hear this wonderful music live. They write and compose everything (not that they haven't done traditional christmas music) and it is one huge orchestra with every kind of instrument and about ten amazing vocalists male and female :). As I listen to one of their many albums I own it gets me in the holiday mood and so ready to celebrate christmas this year. I will be going to Pittsburgh to see my grandpa John, grandma Estelle, great aunt Annie, great great aunt Paulie, and many more relatives I haven't seen in over a year or more. I miss them all so much. I know I've said this before, but I have only known them for almost exactly 5 years, because it was in December that I made the fatal life changing call. I have a lot of time to make up for, so I treasure all the time I have with them. I love them all so much <3. Speaking of the holidays it is important to remember the real reason we celebrate christmas, a lot of people forget. It's not about the present or the money. It's about being with those you love and that love you. Whether or not you're christian it doesn't matter it is a time for people to come to together and remember what is most important in life. Which believe me I keep in mind everyday.  I have made some life changing choices and decisions and I don't regret any of them.  I said this last night when I was at Chiptole with Christine and Gary. Life is all about taking risks and chances. You have to be willing to put yourself out there, and not be afraid. Otherwise you aren't living you are just existing. This is why I love the saying "life is short so kiss slow drive fast and don't regret anything" Well I am going to keep singing Trans-Siberian Orchestra music while I clean and then I will be practicing piano, alto sax, sight singing, and my jury pieces. Then its history and math homework.  Remember tomorrow is never guaranteed, so speak the truth, love unconditionally, and take chances <3

Mixed up

where do I start? What do I say? I have so much on my mind, but at the same time I don't what to say.  I feel like I have clarity in my life, and I am taking a chance to keep it. Life is such a funny thing and it just keeps throwing things at you until you can't take anymore. Thats when your family, and friends mean the most to you. Those are the times you have to stop and just take a minute for yourself.  I am personally just trying to follow my heart like I have always done, but as I get older I find it harder and harder to do. Others give me their opinions and advice, but I am stubborn and once I make up my mind it is hard to tell me otherwise. Oh and Just so world knows.....I have faith in people and I KNOW people make mistakes and mess up! IT'S WHAT MAKES US HUMAN!!!!!! But its those who are willing to swallow their pride and ask for forgiveness that make the difference. People deserve a second chance, because not everyone gets it right the first go round. I get so tired of telling people this, because I know so many people who are quick to make judgements about others without really knowing them. I have been told all my life that I am naive, and that "real world doesn't work that way" well let me say this.  I DON'T CARE!!!!! I live my life the way I want, and believe what I want. I hate being told that I can't do something or something isn't possible. Anything is possible you just have to be willing to work at it, and stick with it. I just ugh, I know I sound repetitive but this just bugs me to know end. Don't tell me that something isn't going to work or that I can't do something without giving it a chance. I have spent a good part of my life proving people wrong. I may have started out in life weak and vulnerable, but I am becoming a strong woman. I am not there yet, but I know I will get there one day.  I just wish people would stop.......being so judgmental of others, don't be so quick to point the finger at someone else, because more then likely you have just as many problems or issues as the person you are judging.  Just...think. It seems so easy to do, just like breathing, but I find most people don't think. They react. If people took more time to think about the things they did or said I feel the world would be a little less complicated and hurtful.

Thanksgiving

Today has been one of the best days I've had in a long time, and I am so grateful for it. I woke to the sound of my phone going off, because people were saying Happy Thanksgiving, and that was nice to wake up to. Then my grandaddy made me breakfast, which anything cooked by him is amazing :). I spent the day in my pjs with my family watching the parade, dog show, and football. I practice a little for my finals, but I will spend more time tomorrow doing that, since I will have all day. This thanksgiving my dad told me to say grace, so I just thanked the Lord for all the people in my life and thanks for keeping us safe and hoping to continue to do so in this coming year. As I was saying grace I thought about Kristen's sister Lindsay. I have known Kristen since middle school, we were never really close friends, but we would say hi and chat with each other whenever we saw one another. Anyway this past Tuesday Lindsay and her friend Brittney where in a car accident, neither had their seat belts on, so they were thrown from the car. Brittney died at the hospital and Lindsay is paralyzed from the waist down, and still in critical condition. I was also told they were intoxicated when they got into the accident. When I found out my heart went out to Kristen and her family, because they are suffering, because of Brittney and Lindsay stupid choice. I just hope God takes Lindsay under his wing, and she recovers from this terrible accident. I've had more people then I can count die or be permanently damaged from car accidents, not just from drunk driving, though that is a lot as well. It makes me so angry when people make those kinds of choices. They don't realize how it affects everyone they know. This is a big reason why I always ask my friends and family to call me when they get where they are going. Accidents happen everyday, and more then likely it is not your fault it is the other driver, but life isn't fair and doesn't care who's fault it is. I just ask that people think before they make choices, everything has repercussions whether or not they are bad is decided on your choice.  That was something I did not expect when I came home, because I feel as though I can't go a few months before someone I know is seriously hurt or dies. Before this it was Sydney, and before Sydney it was my great uncle Leonard and they all died in car accidents. This probably why I freak every time I get an accident or get close to one. Cars scare me, but I need one to go to school and go home so I deal, and thats all I can do.

Besides this I just have to say as the holiday season begins, people need to be extra careful and take the time to let everyone they love and care about know it. You never know when your last day will be, so be honest with one another, show how you feel, and care. It only takes 5 seconds to hug someone or say I love you. It means more then people realize I think, so just take the time to do it. You won't regret it, I promise. I think I have become really philosophical all of a sudden so I am going to stop by wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! :) 

HOME

Today has been a great day! It started off awesome and just kept getting better. What more can a girl ask for then to have her family at home when she gets there, real friends that support and care about her, and people that love her for who she is. I am so grateful for everyone in my life. I've said this before but my family and friends mean the world to me and I thank God everyday for them. That's what Thanksgiving is all about. Being Thankful for the wonderful people in your life, and boy am I and I hope they know it.  I am so ready for finals to be over so I can enjoy my winter break at Mason lol. Well I will end this blog with a little prayer.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for the life I have been given, and all those in it. I pray you keep everyone safe and happy as this year comes to an end. I feel as though things are beginning to clear and I can see the path that has been laid before me. I pray that I keep your guidance and message close to my heart even when I feel like falling again. I pray for love and happiness in this crazy mixed up world.

Break....so close yet so far!

I am so mentally and physically exhausted I can't wait till Thanksgiving at home where I can sleep in and relax for a few days. I need it so bad. I am studying hard for my finals, and I can't wait till I am done! Stressing over that plus worrying about some of those closet to me has me just running on full steam, and thank the lord I get to go home to unwind. I wish I could just fix everyone's problems and make everyone happy. I hate it when those I love are hurt or upset. I do everything I can to make them smile and laugh even if only for a minute or two. I know the world is not perfect and that people get hurt, but pain is temporary and the brain can't really remember exactly what it feels like, just that something hurt. I feel it is best to ease everyone's pain even if only a little to make their life better and easier. Again I know I sound naive, but this is my belief. Okay well I am currently video chatting, Iming, and trying to study all at once so off to another day!

Monday is around the corner

So the Women's team lost to Virginia Tech today unfortunately, but my mom and dad surprised me by coming to the game! I didn't see them until half time! It was a wonderful surprise and I am so glad they came. I didn't think they would come until after my dad graduated from ODU, because he has been so busy trying to pass his last class as well as balance his full FULL time job in the Health Department and our crazy family. It means a lot to me that my mom and dad took time to drive all the way up here and see me :).
As happy as I was to see them I was constantly thinking of my bestest and how much I wish I was at home for her. She needs me and I can't physically be there for her right now and it kills me. I worry about her all the time, and I know she is strong and will make it through this, but she needs support and reassurance that she will be okay. When I come home this week I am going striaght her house and just going to be there for her to cry, laugh, yell, and have a good time, so she can refocus on the important things in her life. Also I am afriad I keep upsetting people and I don't mean too. I hope they aren't angry at me anymore, because I feel like I am not really doing anything to make them angry, and if I am they should tell me!
The Redskins beat the Seahawks today :) My mom, dad, Gary and I watched a good part of the game when we had dinner at Brion's Grill. Then I watched the rest of the game at my dorm after my parents went home. I am now relaxing a little before a movie and some music listening. I am just so physically and mentally exhuasted. I am worrying about those I care about most trying so hard to take care of them. Well I have a lot of other thoughts on my mind, but I will say goodbye for now

It's....Saturday

I am at home for once, but not for long....and thats how it always is these days. I come home to work as well as balance seeing my family and friends, which has led to more then one fight, unfortunately. It's between my mom and I, and my dad gets stuck in the middle every time. I feel bad but I get frustrated with my mother every time I come home giving me a curfew and not trusting me to do what I need to do. I am doing it at school, so why can't I do it at home? I don't know I think my mom is afraid of losing her little girl. Of letting me grow up. I thought I'd have to fight my dad more then my mom, but my dad usually comes around after talking to me. My mom I feel is a constant battle when I come home, and I hate it. I wish she would just talk to me about it instead of getting mad.....oh well. 

Any who my best friend Kitty and I had a girl's night last night, and she cut my hair :) It was the first time I ever let her do it, and I really like it. It's a nice change, though I might have her come back and give me shorter bangs....we will see. She and I got chinese food for dinner and then stopped by to see Ed at Food Lion. Ed said he would swing by after work, so we went back to her house and watched Enchanted :) love that movie! She and I had some quality time, even though it wasn't for very long, but we are definitely having a total girl's night over Thanksgiving break.  I also vented a lot to Kitty last night too, about everything going on in my life. It felt good to have her make me laugh and joke with me. Even if it was poking fun AT ME lol. I told her about my last post and how I felt as though I was letting God down. She just shook her head at me and smiled saying " Jessica you couldn't let anyone down even if you tried." I laughed at her and she said "Seriously you would try and be like oh no I can't do it." I love her so much and she is so important to me. I don't know what I would do with out her. She is having a rough time herself so we are just trying to be there for each other as much as possible even though we don't see each other everyday anymore. We don't agree on everything and we argue especially about things I do, or don't do lol, but she does it cause she cares and is looking out for me. For example she doesn't think I should talk to my ex anymore, but we are friends now and even though our relationship is weird it works. She says he wants to date me again and that maybe the case, but I would never date him again. Not after what he did to me. Not after the things he did and said. Anyway for us lately the topic has been the men in our lives which is kind of funny in way. 

Today I worked the Clemson v UVA game where it was definitely freezing! I should've worn a long sleeve shirt under my work shirt, but I thought it would be warmer by the oven then it was. Luckily John came by he was wearing so many layers! He gave me his UVA fleece to keep me warm. I got teased a little for taking it, but he was insistent and I was cold and can't afford to get sick. I'll give it back to him next wednesday when I am home for a few days.  My dad and I were suppose to have a jam session together, but he back outed which kind of got me mad, because he said we would the next time I came home, but he said " You'll be home next week Jess, we will do it then" and I am holding him to that! Now I am waiting for my laundry to get done so I can go back to Mason.......what a fun night drive! These are the days I wish Mason was closer to home. Well I think this has been a pretty long blog so I will talk about the Women's game tomorrow and the Skins game.....if I have time. Off to spend some quality time with my uncle Mark, cousin Brittany, mom and dad before I leave!

My thoughts......

So I was going to talk about the last two days events but I just finished my history paper, and have been listening to Casting Crowns a Christian group. It has led me to have some mixed feelings about my faith and where I stand in God's eyes. I was raised Methodist, but stopped going to church when my family and I moved to Charlottesville. A lot of the time I feel like I have missed out on some important life experiences, because I stopped going to church. I have always believed in God and Jesus, but I have seen so much hate and evil done in the name of religion I have pulled away from it. I have seen love and miracles, and that drives my belief in God and heaven.  I have never read the entire Bible either, but I know the ten commandments and the main message of the lord and that is love.  I have this huge feeling of falling to my knees and just praying to God and asking him to forgive me for everything I have ever done wrong. I feel like I have been a disappointment in God's eyes. It's kind of silly of me think that, since I can't know what God thinks, but its how I feel right now. It's times like these I think about all of those who I have known who have passed on and I wonder are they looking out for me? Would I make them proud? Is my Aunt Michele proud of her niece, is she up there waiting for me, Grandpa John, Uncle Mark, and dad? Are my great grandparents smiling down on me? Uncle Leonard, and Aunt Bernice?I want to believe to believe so bad that they are. I am sitting here crying as I write this....why? God loves everyone and created us all for a reason. We are all different, because he made us this way.  Hate in the name of God is wrong and yet millions of people do it everyday. I feel so powerless and weak, I hope that I can pray to God and have him hear my small plea for clarity. This is so stupid I don't even know why I feel this way. Practice what you preach and I preach love.  I hope Sydney, Nolan, Jayne, and all my family members I have lost are there in peace and happiness and maybe one day I'll be there too. 

This song was played at Sydney's service and I think it is appropriate for tonight.  Along with my other favorite Christian song by Mercy Me

Who Am I - Casting Crowns

Who am I?

That the Lord of all the earth,

Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I? 
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.


Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours. 

Who am I? 
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I? 
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours. 

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

I can Only Imagine - Mercy Me

I can only imagine 
What it will be like 
When I walk 
By your side 

I can only imagine 
What my eyes will see 
When your face 
Is before me 
I can only imagine

I can only imagine 

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel 
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still 
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall 
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all 
I can only imagine

I can only imagine 

I can only imagine 
When that day comes 
And I find myself 
Standing in the Son 

I can only imagine 
When all I will do 
Is forever 
Forever worship You 
I can only imagine

I can only imagine



I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do 
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine 

High Speed Tuesday

So Today went by real fast! I went to bed at like midnight (which is early for me btw) and got about nine hours of sleep for the first time since school started most likely. I went to math and got my test.....failed it! Even though I studied and took the practice exam.....grrr, but my professor told the class if we passed that final we would pass the class. I would like to get a B, but I will probably end up with a C. After choir I got the picture from Ibiza of Gary and I which turned out to be pretty amazing. Then I went with Caroline to her physical therapy and we had some girl time while she worked out her wrists. Then we came back to school, cause I had practice and I told her I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and she was like " We are getting you food now!" I told her I would be fine and that I wasn't really hungry, but she was adamant that I got something, so I ran into the connivence store and grabbed a Lunchable thing  and water. She saw it and said "Jessica that isn't going to sustain you". I told her I always eat at Ike's after and that I would be fine. Though she doesn't think I am taking good care of myself, but I am doing the bets I can I swear. I eat when I have time, to be honest. Some days I get three meals, others I only get one.  I love Caroline, and I know she is just worried I am not taking good care of myself but I promise I am.  It's funny because normally I am the one worrying about everyone and taking care of everybody. I told Caroline this I just want everyone to be happy and sometimes I get hurt in the process, but thats okay because I am a forgiver, and I know it. I have friends who have treated me bad in the past, but if they needed me or anything I would be there for them no question. I love my friends so much, to me they are apart of my family and apart of me, so I always have them in mind. This may seem stupid or naive, but I believe people are naturally good, they just make bad decisions, because they think it will benefit them when in reality it will only hurt them. This is my belief, and probably one of my strongest ones, because I feel people just don't care anymore that they have to only look out for themselves. I could never live that way and refuse to see life that way. Anywho that was a rant on my beliefs a little, my bad. I talked to Caroline about how I felt last night and she helped me a bit because I am kind of stuck at what to do, especially with my friend at home. I figure it out in time I guess or when I see him this weekend. Well I have work to do that I have yet to start, so off I go, and will update soon! 

Confusion

So I don't know if its because I am tired or because of the song I am listening to, but I am just hit with this lost confused feeling again. Though this a little different, then before. I am so confused in my "guy department" as weird as that sounds. I thought I had found someone, but they didn't want me, so I have settled on being their trusted friend. I still love them, and always will, but I want them to be happy, and that's all that matters.  I found out a good friend of mine at home who I have known for years has liked me for a long time, but decided to tell me now that I am away from home and about a year after I stopped liking him, cause I thought he was just a flirt. Then I have another guy friend at home who also likes me, who I am talking to but defiantly not rushing anything, because I am still getting to know him. There is also my ex who I am pretty wants to get back together, but knows better to ask. He always wants to hang out when I come home, and we are friends, honestly is that really necessary? I just can't see it when guys like me. I don't try I am just me. What do they want from me? From my past experience all they want is to sleep with me, well go as far as I am willing to let them and then run away from me to find something better. I guess I get boring or something...I dunno I am literally falling asleep as I write this so I am going to bed, but before I do here is the first song I have written in like a year. Its still a little rough, but I wrote it when I was really emotional and it made me feel so much better afterwards and that's all that matters.

I see you sitting here

Across from me

With that look 

In your eyes

Can't you see

I am trying so hard

To move on

Just let it all go

It's for the best 

you say

I'm just a girl

Who fell in love

What do I know

Anyway

We were so close

Yet so far apart

Do you even realize 

Where we are?

You say you're

Here for me

I  want so bad to believe

In everything

You say to me

But can't you see

I am trying so hard 

To move on

Just let it all go

Its for the best 

you say

I'm just a girl

Who fell in love

What do I know

Anyway

I didn't know

It would hurt 

This bad

Over something

I never truly had

Will I ever learn?

I am trying so hard

To move on

Just let all go

Does it show?

It's for the best

you say, but

That I am just a girl

Who fell in love

What do I know anyway

Oh what do I know

I just let my heart go

I should've known

Should've known

Weekend life

First of all let me say I can't believe its sunday already! This weekend flew by so fast! It was worth it though :) Friday night was the Women's opener against Bucknell University, and we unfortunately lost, but I still cheered my heart out. Right before the game started I did my round off backhand spring, but I didn't lock my arms out for some unknown reason,, so I slammed my knee into the hard wood floor, and cut it a little so I was bleeding as well.....great! I didn't tumble my first game, which frustrated me so much, because I know I capable and able to do this. Anyway Saturday came and my team and I taped some of our running tumbling for 3 hours! We got some good takes, but we will have to go back, and tap some more some other Saturday. Saturday night Gary and I went to Ibiza and danced till like 2am. Before though we had dinner at Potbelly's which was nice and then we drove to DC to get to Ibiza, but we got a little lost along the way lol. Next time I drive to DC use GPS!  We got back at 3am and went straight to bed. I had another Women's game today at 2 against Richmond and we lost again :(.  I also messed up my knee again which pissed me off, because I know the wood floor is just a mental game for me. I can do this and I will. Well now I am watching the Skins game vs the Cowboys so I must pay attention. GO REDSKINS!!!!!!

Trying to de-stress my life

Since my last post I have just decided to stop fighting certain things and stop trying to prove my points, because they obviously don't care and don't want to hear what I have to say anymore, so whatever. Also recently I have been hit with this massive feeling of missing my family and friends back home. It comes out of no where and tears just roll down my face. I hate it, because it makes no sense, I just have to wait a week and I will be home again to work and make some money. I am currently waiting for my laundry to get done...it takes forever! Today I also went off campus for the first time in a while which was nice, and got to go shopping, though I didn't buy all I wanted to due to time restraints. I am trying so hard like my title says to de-stress, but especially during the week I find it hard to just relax. I've discussed this with some of my friends, but I know I have a lot riding on my college education. I can't let my parents down, or my family general. I am the youngest in my family, but I am the first to go to college straight out of high school and I want to be a good example for my younger cousins. I am so close to my parents, because I know I can tell them anything, and they will never judge me or stop loving me. My family is huge, but I strive to maintain a good relationship with everyone.  I can't wait for Christmas break, because I get to see my Grandpa John for the first time in over year. He is sick, because he smoked for so long, so he has to have oxygen with him always. I have only known him for six years, so we have a lot of loss time to make up for when we visit each other.  I will also get to see my great great aunt Paulie who is 99, and I love her so much, she is one of the greatest people you will ever meet. She is always full of life and wants to have a good time, but since her last fall she has been having a hard time, and I can't wait to just give her a big hug and tell her how much I love her.  I have also been really missing my best friends from home Kitty and Brittany. I feel so far away and alone suddenly. Those girls are my sisters. I would do anything for them and they would do the same for me.  I am working so hard to get out of this funk and be totally happy. I just need to let myself go. I am working so hard in everything I am doing, and I hope it shows. Well anyway I have a history paper to finish so off I go!

.........

Thats how I feel today overall. The day started out well with me looking all nice, because I dressed up for no reason. Then I had my classes and some time to kill. Caroline and I had lunch together, and we discussed a lot. Her and I are two peas in a pod but we gotta make sure we have girl time lol.  Kitty called me and basically told me she hates on of my best friends because of what has been happening, and I don't blame her, she is trying to protect me and be a good friend. Everyone keeps telling me the same things, but they don't know this person so they can't pass judgement. Anyway I had my sight singing test as well and got a 90! WHOO HOO! I was really happy about it, but the test ran over and I was late for cheerleading practice, which I felt bad about. At practice people got some minor injuries that prevented us from getting everything we needed to get done, but tomorrow will be better I hope. This post is short, because there is so much on my mind but I don't have enough time to vent it, so until next time!

[Currently Untitled]

I have no idea what to title this blog post to be honest.  I'll just say a few things before I get my homework done and go to bed. I got back to Mason fine last night, and everything was going well till I was asked to talk about something I did not want to. It was pointless to me and it accomplished nothing, but reiterate how I felt and what I wanted. The thing is what I want doesn't matter, because someone made choices that have made my wants, wishes. I am allowing others to be happy before myself. I know or I have been told that I shouldn't do this, but I love these people with all my heart, and I am willing to sacrifice my feelings and wishes for them to be happy. I really wish things weren't complicated, but they are and I think I am doing a good job of dealing with it. I still cry, but it is less and whenever it gets bad I can turn to them and they will let me cry, yell, or just talk to them about it, making me feel a little better. I would say more but like I said before there is no point. Time is the best healer and maybe one day we will both want the same things, and then what I want will matter. Besides this cheerleading is going okay, because now we are getting into the harder stunts, so it is taking us longer to hit it right. I feel bad for those who are seriously hurting from old injuries or new ones. I just keep my mouth shut and work as hard as I can everyday to make our team the best it can. I really hope I can cheer all four years, but it is a slim possibility. I am going to cheer as long as I can, because I really do love it and always will. :) Anywho off to do some studying before bed.

Sunday Afternoon

Today has been an interesting day. I am currently babysitting (well they are in bed now) while I am waiting to go back to Mason. I hope I can find my way back to campus....at night oh boy. I woke up at a responable hour and clean my dorm room minus vacuuming which does need to happen soon. Today as I was packing I was hit with the feeling of missing my dad, alot. Which is the first time that has happened since I came to school. I really miss having our jam sessions. My dad would pull out his old guitar and his old light blue binder with classic songs rock, country and some pop. We would sing together while he played. This was how I learned how to sing, with my dad, and I really miss it. I called him and he was studying and I just said " I miss you dad." He said he missed me too alot. I told him that he needed to pick up his guitar again, because it has been way too long since he played last. He agreed so I told him when I came home over Thanksgiving break we would have a jam session again like when I was younger. I love looking back, remembering crawling up to him and looking up at him strumming away on his guitar and singing songs like Hotel California, American Pie, and Thunder Rolls. I am a daddy's girl and proud of it. I would do anything for my father, and I have fought for him, defended him, and helped him as any loving daughter would. I will always be there for him, and even though I know he has made mistakes and isn't perfect I have such pride in him for what he has done with his life and how he has made it to where he is. My dad at one point had nothing. He had to live out of his car, and now he is graduating from college, working for the state of Va, and has a reunited bigger, and more loving family then he has ever had. He will always be my hero, and my mentor. I love my dad and always will end of story <3 <3

My Family...and Life

I guess I should start with Friday, which started off bad because I got an email saying they had my license and I needed to come pick it up. I freaked out and looked where I kept my license  and I had my metro card and a gift card missing as well. I thought fuck I'm not getting those back. I go to my first class and ask my professor if I could leave early to go pick up my license, since I wouldn't have anytime and I needed it to drive to see my sister. She said okay and when I got the the building I asked for it, and to my surprise not only was my license there but also my metro card and my Barnes & Noble gift card! I couldn't believe that something good was happening to me. I was so happy and appreciative to whoever did that for me.  Then I had to run to my PMI make-up lesson that ran for an hour. I told my professor that I want so bad to have a strong, and power voice, but I know I have a choir voice. He told me that I have it, I just don't know how to get it out, because I have very little solo experience. This is very true, I have been singing in choirs my whole life, but I am typical car and house singer. I sing at the top of my lungs while I am home alone cleaning or when I am driving.I think I do this because I know I don't have an amazing voice. I know I have talent and I can be great, but I am not there yet, and I am working so hard to achieve this lifetime goal for myself. 

Any way I got a little pissed at the end of Friday before I left for my sister's, because of a practicing mix up that put me a half hour behind, so I didn't leave for Brandy's till 5. I didn't get to her house till 7:15ish, and it shouldn't have taken that long, but people in Fairfax can't merge to save their lives! Anyway I was glad when I got there, because Anthony just smiled at me and had me read a book to him. It was one of my sister's Ashley's old books, The Land Before Time. Just sitting there making dinosaur sounds with him had me laughing and smiling. I saw what was important while I was with him. Children are so innocent and loving. His bright blues smiling enjoying the simplest things in life. I am not officially his aunt, but I love him like my nephew and I would do anything for him. Soon he will have a little brother, Austyn and I felt him kick in my sister's stomach, which also amazes me. The miracle of life, in 9 short months a human is born, that is something that will always amaze me. That night I had dinner with my family and went out to Jeremy's house having girl time while all the boys played pool. I talked to Gary and Ed that night as well, which also helped make me feel better, because I have trouble sleeping now, so now I will talk to someone til I fall asleep, because my body can't take it anymore, so my mind just shuts down. I had a really good night sleep for the first time last night on my sister's coach, and I loved it. I was going to play in Pep Band today, but I decided to stay with my family a little while longer and go shopping and have lunch with them. I stood by Anthony while he got his hair cut as well, which was so adorable. I love children so much :)! I was sad to leave, but I needed to come back to Mason, so I gave them all a hug and kiss goodbye and began the drive back to school. When I got back I felt sad, and I think it was because I look back and I feel regret for things I had no control over, like the relationship with my sister. We were never close for many different reasons, and I came to the realization I didn't even know my own sister this past March and since then I have been working so hard to build a strong relationship with her. I also feel like I am missing a major part of her life while I am at school, and I want so bad to be there for her. My other sister Ashley, we lived together till I left for school this past fall, is so different. I know she loves me, but she is not the kind of person to show it, unless I am threatened, or hurt. She has been there for me as well, but we have a very tense relationship sometimes, because we are so different.  Anyway I got back to Mason, and I set up my laundry, but went to dinner with Gary, Caroline, and some of Caroline's friends. While I was sitting there I got that lonely feeling a couple times, but I kept pushing it away and talking to Talisha joking around, which made me feel better. Afterwards I did my laundry and Gary drilled me on intervals......or tried I was kind of distracted getting my laundry together. Then we watched some Super Mario YouTube video about a secret level, and I will admit it was hilarious. I am now listening to music I just bought trying to relax, and keep my mind on happy thoughts, to push away this need to cry. I know I am not alone, but the feeling comes back even when I am with people, having a good time. Anyway this has been another long blog, lol hopefully they will get shorter. 

Shutting Out the World

This has been just along rut that I can not seem to get out of.......AND I HATE IT! I finally figured out what is wrong with me. I am depressed. This has happened once before and everything is pretty much the same. I am never hungry, so I don't eat....I get upset over the stupidest things, and cry a lot. I feel alone and bothered at the same time.  I am trying so hard to keep up my happy cheerful self by it is wearing thin, so when people ask if I am okay I just lie and say I am tired. I will figure this out and climb out okay, but I just have to once again deal with my life a step at a time. 

I was excited for next weekend, because I was going to see my sister Brandy and go to her baby shower for my future nephew lil Austyn.  Then I was reminded I had tumbling practice the same day from 2-5pm for nationals taping.......I just started crying. I called my sister in tears apologizing for having to miss her baby shower, and I told her I missed her so much. I haven't seen her in months and I need her right now.  She told me it was okay and that she loved me and understood I was having a hard time right now and she wouldn't be going anywhere and I could see her anytime. I am almost positive I am going to drive down to see her tomorrow evening once I get out of class. 

I then called my dad, because I needed him to know I wouldn't be going so I would have to give Brandy her gift later. I told him how I've had a bad week, and I am going go see Brandy on friday and he says "You aren't going anywhere." I got so angry I yelled at him " Dad I am all the way at school how are you going to tell me where I can and can't go." Of course he pointed out that he and my mom do pay for gas, but I was still angry saying " You can't prevent me from seeing my sister." I told him I would call him later and shortly after my mom called all worried. I love my parents I really do, but I feel it is time I don't tell them everything and rely on them so much. I am an adult and need to start dealing with things on my own.  I hate this so much, I can't even describe it. I am wasting so much energy and time on feelings and things I shouldn't, but I can't help it as stupid as it sounds. 

I just want so bad to stop crying and feeling hurt.  Everyone tells me " Jessica you are so beautiful, nice, sweet, and you are such a wonderful person. You deserve the best." Things like that, and I keep thinking is all of this is true then way does all the bad shit keep happening to me? Why do I keep getting taken advantage of? Why do I keep getting hurt? I the best for others and I want everyone to be happy especially those I love and care about. Is this causing me to sell myself short? Am I sacrificing myself for others? Am I being to selfless?? I wish I knew the answers, but I don't.  My friends have really been there for me and they including my sister don't like one person in my life, but without them I would've fallen apart. Being far away from those closest to me have made it hard recently and they have been there to listen and let me yell and cry even when it was at them.  This person has become my best friend at school. They have hurt me, but I have forgiven them, because I know that was never their intention. I hope that they value our friendship as much as I do. Another person I have come to love as a sister is my friend Caroline. We joke around and say we're twins cause we're so similar lol.  She can always make me smile and I know I can trust her with anything I tell her or confide in her, and recently that means a lot to me. Well this has become a long blog that has taken me over an hour to type, so update soon........I can't wait to be happy again.

Monday Monday Monday!

Today was a good day, for the most part. It started out awesome, because I got back a theory quiz and I got 89! That is my highest grade in that class so far! I have been struggling in that class for so long and it feel amazing have my work finally starting to pay off.  Things went a little down hill though, because my PMI professor once again cancelled my lesson. That is three that have been cancelled, and juries are in like three weeks!!!!!! I really hope I have lessons on Wednesday, I need to work so much and their is only so much I can do on my own. 

The cheerleading squad started taping, and we did the easy stunts today, but it took forever for no reason.  It's only day 1 and we will be taping until January! I keep thinking about the end of the semester....and how I will be  one of many student athletes who stay at school over winter break... and I wonder what will I do when I am not practicing or when I am not at games. Any who these thoughts run through my mind along with others that prevent me from sleeping currently, but I think after I take a shower things will be better. So off I go!

Life changing experiances

Today I finally did it. I let it all go. I spoke my mind and said pretty much everything I needed to say, and thank the lord! Before I did though I am pretty positive I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. I was getting this horrible feeling like something was going to go wrong, someone was going to get hurt or something and it kept getting worse and worse. Then I couldn't control my breathing anymore and my heart rate sped up super fast. I felt as though I couldn't control my body and my hands started going numb. I was scared out of my mind, but thank goodness Caroline and Gary were there for me. I felt so overwhelmed I didn't know what to do and I kept fighting it. I felt seriously ill, but I knew I needed to eat, because I hadn't eaten much on Sunday. I have no idea how long it lasted, but it was a long time. I think it was mostly because I kept fighting it and making it worse.  They both knew something was wrong so I just let it all out. I felt like I needed to cry, but I can't make myself cry it just has to come, so I think getting angry and venting had the same affect. Now its all about healing and taking things a day at a time, so not to ruin friendships or hurt anyone anymore. I was so scared of letting things out and I think that added to the panic and anxiety.  I feel so much better and I hope things finally start working out. 

Besides this I have my first official basketball game on Wednesday and tomorrow the All-girl Squad starts tapping for NCA nationals I am super excited :) I can't wait for winter break and I am currently needing to go to bed, so I think I am going to do that lol. Update soon!

Making some changes

I have decided to make some changes in my life. I will no longer be the girl taken advantage of. I will no longer be someone who is taken for granted either.  I am going to be a better person, to everyone even if I do not particularly like them. These are some of the small steps I am taking to be a stronger better person. I have been hurt too much recently by people who I thought knew better, but I guess not.  Something has to change, and I guess its me. Nothing too drastic I promise, I will always be the fun-loving, smiling, caring Jessica everyone knows, but I am sick of getting abused and hurt. I am not talking physically at all f.y.i. This is a mental thing for me that I will take one step at a a time. I need to refocus on what's important. I am attending a major university to better my life, and not have to struggle like my mother and father did. I am meeting new people expanding my horizons and vision of the world. I have a family that loves me for who I am and friends that truly care and love me from Virginia to Texas and Wisconsin. I know who they are and they know it too. I just really feel like I have to say this somewhere.  I get the feeling once again like I had a little bit less then a year ago that people think they can walk all over me, and that I need to them to survive, well I don't and you can't. I have a very long fuse but I will blow up at you and tell you to back off if you push me to far and take me for granted.

My friend Ed and I discussed writing and how it helps release emotions that are kept locked away, and if they aren't expressed some how will eventually explode. Thats what this blog is for me recently.  Though I will try to put more positive info currently these thoughts plague my mind, and I have friends that tell me "Jessica you are strong, you don't have to take this". I am taking their words to heart.  I have also physically changed my look. For the first time in a long time I have made major changes to my hair and I think I look so different. I was terrified at first because my best friend Kitty was doing my hair and started freaking me out. Once I saw it though I loved it :) ! Any who I feel much better already stating some of my changes as I am falling asleep at the computer. Back to George Mason tomorrow for another long week of school, but I wouldn't have it any other way in my life right now.